donutszenmom.com

Interesting podcast with a neurologist & long time zen practitioner. Love the way this guy speaks — talk about geeky! His delivery reminds me of my advisor in grad school.

Very interesting discussion about how the brain pays attention — what structures are involved, and what they bring to the party. I was particularly interested in egocentric processing as distinct from allocentric processing. He makes the case that this is consistent with the difference between concentration states (egocentric) and choiceless awareness (allocentric) in meditation. I couldn’t help thinking of Freud’s “hovering attention” — the centerpiece of psychoanalysis: maybe this is a good example of turning on the allocentric processing?

Regardless, I’m going to think about egocentric vs. allocentric processing at work tomorrow. I have a HUGE preference for allocentric processing, and will be at an all day meeting that involves lots of social stuff. Instead of being cowed by the social requirements, I think I’ll bring experimental mind to bear and look at it all through the allocentric lens. Choiceless awareness, baby!

Okay, I work my butt off at the office and battle workaholism. It’s worth it, though, when my boss calls me to ask how I’d feel about a trip in mid-November.

Where’m I going? Here’s a hint.

So, London yoginis: what’s the business dress code (fashionable version, of course!) over there in mid- to late-November?

Goodness, I was out of sorts over the weekend. Cranky and restless and just, well, out of sorts. Couldn’t figure out what my problem was.

Until this morning. As I drove to the shala, I felt happy and energetic and was thinking about intellectual capital and brand development, and… hey! I was happy because I was thinking about something I am interested in.

But it’s work-related. Hmmmm. I’m not supposed to think about work stuff when I’m not at work. I try to keep boundaries, so I don’t slip into workaholism.

I thought about when I was happy over the weekend. I was reading “Intellectual Capital in Enterprise Success” and taking some notes. But I didn’t do it for long, because I felt guilty for “working” during the weekend. I tore myself away and looked at Vanity Fair and Vogue. And got bored. And then cleaned the house. And then felt restless. I should have just read the freaking book and taken notes and been happy.

I get a huge rush when I’m intellectually engaged. It’s quite visceral. Is that stress? Am I supposed to take time off from it?

Is this the sound of a workaholic rationalizing?

I’m confused.

***

Practice this morning was maaaaaaaaarvelous. The Poetess was presiding. By the time I got there at 6 AM, she was at dwi pada in her own practice and the room was close to 90 degrees. Heaven!

I had a chat with her before I began. I asked that instead of getting adjusted into kapotasana when I got to it, I wanted to be left to struggle with it on my own a bit. I realize that it’s hard for a teacher to watch a student struggle, but since I’ve started going to the shala 6 days a week, I am really missing my struggle time. I learn a lot when I struggle, not least of which is mechanisms for coping with frustration, which is a practice I need to keep up with! Seriously, I do not deal well with frustration. I am a true vata, which means I think very quickly and tend to get frustrated very easily. So I have to cultivate my coping skills via daily practice.

If I get adjusted into kapo every morning, it will stretch my muscles and enable me to get into the pose. If I struggle with it myself, it will stretch my mind and emotions and enable me to get into the pose (though perhaps not as quickly, physically).

I told The Poetess my plan: I would do the “hang back” a few times, then go to the floor with my hands and practice pushing into my chest (weak link in the asana) by straightening my arms (other weak link). Then I’d practice dropping back to get my head down closer and closer to my feet. Then I’d be ready for help. And instead of a full assist, I just wanted her to stand in front of my head and push down and in on my elbows (very weakest link of all!).

“I don’t care if I touch my toes,” I told her. “That’s not my goal.”

She totally got it.

So I had a delightful practice: sun salutations, standing, intermediate to supta vajrasana. Urdhva dhanurasanas, assisted dropbacks, and closing. And that was enough.

Matthew Sweeney talks in one of his books about the trap of not feeling you’re “doing enough.” Much as I am spinning my wheels on the weekends about not “doing enough” mindless relaxation, so I get into feeling like I’m not doing enough at practice.

Today I did enough. It felt marvelous. The Poetess came over when I caught her eye after some kapo struggling (though it really didn’t feel like struggling at all — it felt like learning). I hung back, brought my hands to the floor, kept my head up, walked my hands in, pushed into my chest, walked my hands in more, pushed into my chest more, then lowered my head as close to my feet as possible. The Poetess pushed my elbows to the floor and I grabbed my toes. And I breathed. And then I let go of my toes and pushed up.

And then I finished my practice and took rest.

It was pretty sweet.

Dear Internet,

You promise so much information, yet you will not let me have what I most want this Sunday morning. At least not without a subscription to a database that can not be subscribed to by individuals.

Core Capabilities and Core Rigidities: A Paradox in Managing New Product Development

Strategic Management Journal, Vol. 13, Special Issue: Strategy Process: Managing Corporate Self-Renewal (Summer, 1992), pp. 111-125
Published by: John Wiley & Sons

Abstract

This paper examines the nature of the core capabilities of a firm, focusing in particular on their interaction with new product and process development projects. Two new concepts about core capabilities are explored here. First, while core capabilities are traditionally treated as clusters of distinct technical systems, skills, and managerial systems, these dimensions of capabilities are deeply rooted in values, which constitute an often overlooked but critical fourth dimension. Second, traditional core capabilities have a down side that inhibits innovation, here called core rigidities. Managers of new product and process development projects thus face a paradox: how to take advantage of core capabilities without being hampered by their dysfunctional flip side. Such projects play an important role in emerging strategies by highlighting the need for change and leading the way. Twenty case studies of new product and process development projects in five firms provide illustrative data.

God, it taunts me like those crazy Baskin Robbins “Ice Cream and Cake!” commercials. It’s in my head: “Core Capabilities and Core Rigidities! Core Capabilities and Core Rigidities!”

I’ll find a way to get you, article. Oh, I will. And the sport of it will be accessing you, somehow, for free. The way internet information is supposed to be.

Yes, I am a zen practitioner, and yes, I bring zen principles to the office.

Sure, but I am also a sharp-humored gal with a scientific streak, so I like my psychological and sociological experiments. The Market Research guy calls me the Cultural Anthropologist.

When someone has a difficult conversation to hold with an employee, or when someone has a daunting presentation, or has been given a dysfunctional team to manage, well, I like to sit with that person and frame the whole ordeal as an experiment.

This is useful for a couple of reasons:
1. It introduces some objectivity into the equation. It’s hard to freak out when you are busy observing the situation.
2. Experiments are fun! No matter how awful an experience might be, if you have data to interpret at the end, it can’t be all bad.

Okay, so there you have it. There are things I notice and experiment with that don’t exactly fall within traditional zen parameters. And so we introduce Machiavellian Tips and Tricks.

Tip 1: Dress for success

Can you bend people to your will, depending on how you’re dressed? Oh yeah.

What you need for this experiment:

Put on suit and shoes. Go to work. Pay attention to whether everyone thinks it’s a good idea to listen to what you say and do the things you suggest. It’s magical! (Men, you are on your own — I have no idea what the guy-equivalent of this experiment is.)

Could I be disingenuous and say the pencil skirt suit and high heels combo has no power? I could. But I’d be lying. Clearly, they do. Magical corporate power. My red purse actually seems to have some, too. Red accessories in general. This is a function of my particular office, I think. Other colors probably work in other environments. We are traditional and buttoned-down. In a more avant garde office you’re gonna have to experiment to find out what works.

Can you bend people to your will, if you dress a certain way? Oh yeah. Should you practice your zen and be mindful about how you use these powers? Yes. Yes, you should.

We finally had word back about the pathology report. There is no clear cause of death for Ty. Basically, he was just perfect, physically.

The Cop called me at work to tell me the vet had called and that I should touch base with her to ask any follow-up questions I might have. The Cop was shocked and dismayed about the lack of a clear cause of death. I wasn’t. It was kind of what I had imagined.

I’d been out on the internets doing my research over the past couple of weeks, of course. And I’d narrowed the possibilities down to two: fatal arrhythmia or epileptic seizure.

So I spoke with the vet and discussed what kinds of signs would be left if either of those two disorders were in fact the cause of death. She pretty much ruled out epilepsy (as much as she could, being objective about the fact that we just really won’t ever know). Still, she said that she’s known dogs who’ve had seizures that lasted 30 minutes and lived. If he’d suffered a vascular event so dramatic that it would cause death, there would be evidence of it for the pathologist.

On the other hand, a single fatal arrhythmia, while rare, could leave no trace. It would essentially be the body’s electrical system seizing up. Like when a computer freezes.

That seems consistent with what happened that afternoon.

After I talked to the vet, I came home and The Cop and I discussed. He was really hoping for some definitive answer that would offer closure. I hadn’t been expecting that, and just wanted to know if Ty’s death could have been prevented. I was terrified she was going to tell me he’d managed (finally, after many tries) to eat some dirty socks, or that he’d had a disease that needn’t have killed him if only we’d known about it.

So that is all the information we will get.

Honestly, I used to be undone by unanswered questions and painful experiences that I knew I would never be able to understand. There’s a whole class of koans designed to pry our grasping human fingers away from the delusion that we can know the answer to “Why? Why? Why?” — so thanks to the monks who’ve brutally and compassionately smacked me upside the head about this.

***

Last night in my dreams I had a chat with Richard Freeman. Ty was there, too, hanging out. A beautiful California day, with wildflowers and warm breezes. RF wanted me to know that Ty would be coming back as a fuzzy rescue dog.

***

Might as well wrap up with a little learning technology humor. I am a huge fan of Web 2.0 — blogs, wikis, discussion forums — but there is always hesitancy in corporate about these technologies: what if the information is inaccurate? Horrors!

Much to my satisfaction, the organization is carrying on with a project to build an online community for our customers (and non-customers — just plain old uncontrollable strangers!). Really, it makes me proud.

As it turns out, I’m finding it’s not a “problem,” nor even a distinction.

I’ve been sick all week, with the symptoms getting worse and worse. Usually there’s an uptick by now, but it doesn’t seem to be kicking in. Bleh.

Okay, so one interesting thing: I am gauging my condition via how my mind feels as well as how my body feels. You know, like it’s ONE system.

I was brought up hearing “listen to your body.” This always baffled me, because my mind has always been a LOT louder than my body. That was my karma (habit). How in the world could I make my mind quiet down so I could hear my body? How could I be convinced it was my body talking and not my mind pretending to be my body? Gah!

I took up lots of physical practices to try to sort this all out: zazen, weightlifting, tai kwan do, climbing. Note a progression here? Yes, the “sport” got progressively more scary. It had occurred to me that the only way to circumvent my loud mind was to scare myself enough that my mind couldn’t fool me. If I could freeze my mind, I’d see what my body did on its own. Climbing was definitely the apex of my scare-yourself-until-you-can’t-think experiment.

But I don’t think that experiment worked, at least not the way I intended. I didn’t manage to turn off my mind, as distinct from my body. All that happened over 100 feet was that my mind didn’t noodle around with extraneous things. So my mind never shut up or went away. But what I did get was an opportunity to pay lots of attention to my system (body and mind) under different stressors. At least 10,000 hours, I’m sure.

So now Ashtanga is in the picture. The zen practice has had time to kick in. And I am sick as a dog.

What’s interesting is that I can feel “how I am” in the moment as a MUCH more integrated system. This integration is super-obvious at work (and yes, I do think of work as a sport and as a practice), where my body has to be still so my mind can see what’s going on in different situations. Kind of like zazen, where it’s really cool if the body can kind of pipe down and the mind can get really light. But it’s not a denial or disappearance of the body, so much as a coordination of body-mind. A specific configuration that doesn’t blot one out while favoring the other.

***

What got me thinking about this is a story on a friend’s blog, about a yoga newbie who was watching him do dropbacks. She watched carefully, then arched back further and further until she dropped back (one-handed, no less!).

Reminds me of my climbing buddies. Advanced climbers, natural athletes. Ex-gymnasts and martial artists. I say mind/body, they say body/mind. They definitely were super-gracious to lay out the path for me. All I had to do was exert myself and not allow my mind to freak out and doom everybody else.

In my next incarnation, I would like to be a body/mind person.

***

I went into work for one meeting yesterday, and it was utterly fascinating. Every single person I spoke with (and these are people outside my department, who did not realize I’d been out sick or that there was anything unusual about my state) reached out at some point and touched me on my shoulder.

I’m seen as a friendly, warm person at work, but I am not seen as a “touchy” person, so this touching was very unusual. I assume people were just subconsciously aware of my system being weakened, and they reached out to share some energy. (Oh my, I can totally see The Cop rolling his eyes when he reads this post!)

Okay, so I’m a problem-solver and tool afficionado. This week’s challenge was a three-day meeting (yes, all day, every day!) with a global consultant. I told The Cop at the end of the ordeal, I mean, meeting, that practice really reveals itself most clearly in challenging situations. In this case, I was able to sustain my focus quite effectively for three 10-hour days.

There was a bit of a lull during the couple of hours we discussed rules around VAT (value added tax) in Europe, but the lull felt more like a little bit of relaxing, rather than exhaustion or boredom. And there was a bit of hyper-focus when we talked about IP strategy, because that’s the kind of thing that really captures my imagination. But the point is, my attention was on and my mind was processing well for three very long stretches.

This is good news because I generally do so many things in the course of a day, that I wonder if I still possess the ability to train my attention on a single problem in any kind of sustained manner.

So after the three-day meeting, I felt kind of crispy around the edges. I’d spent so much time in the high end of the beta state that it was hard to kick back into alpha. Well, until I found BrainHack for my iPhone.

BrainHack is a little app that offers binaural beats that can be used to entrain the brain. (The concept is that if one receives a stimulus with a frequency in the range of brain waves, the predominant brain wave frequency moves toward the frequency of the stimulus — a process called entrainment.) This is one of those things that cause me to feel two things equally strongly at once: 1) crazy hippie stuff! and 2) there seems to be some good research backing this up.

When the perceived beat frequency corresponds to the delta, theta, alpha, beta, or gamma range of brainwave frequencies, the brainwaves entrain to or move towards the beat frequency. For example, if a 315 Hz sine wave is played into the right ear and a 325 Hz one into the left ear, the brain is entrained towards the beat frequency (10 Hz, in the alpha range). Since alpha range is associated with relaxation, this has a relaxing effect.

>40 Hz Gamma waves = Higher mental activity, including perception, problem solving, fear, and consciousness

13–40 Hz Beta waves = Active, busy or anxious thinking and active concentration, arousal, cognition

7–13 Hz Alpha waves = Relaxation (while awake), pre-sleep and pre-wake drowsiness

4–7 Hz Theta waves = Dreams, deep meditation, REM sleep

<4 Hz Delta waves = Deep dreamless sleep, loss of body awareness

(The precise boundaries between ranges vary among definitions, and there is no universally accepted standard.)

Okay, and the app costs .99. At the very least, it’s a fun experiment.

This morning I’m going to try a 6 Hz theta binaural beat. It sounds like a thunderstorm, which is appropriate, as it’s raining today in the desert.

Gah. You know those days when you wake up and kind of want to cry because you just really want about 8 more hours of sleep? Yeah.

The weekend will be here soon. The weekend will be here soon.

In the meantime, this week is devoted to performance review sessions. This is an opportunity for me to lay out how I see each manager’s performance, and their potential. And it’s their chance to say how they see their contributions and their potential — their professional selves. And how they see me. And whether our perspectives are aligned.

So we review current reality and explore some alternatives (as necessary). Agree on a path for the future. And then I like to talk to people personally. I like to wipe my mind clear and see the person in front of me, without all of the other “stuff” (politics, habitual frame of reference, my personal opinion) and make a connection with the human who spends so much time and effort trying to do the right thing.

Yeah. That’s this week. I’m making energy for it during practice each morning. Usually I have evergy to spare, but my battery is not charging properly at this point, so I am really hanging on by my fingernails by about 3 PM each day. Luckily, I have some emotional currency with the team. So even if I’m a little burnt around the edges during their reviews, they’ll cut me a little slack and try to see where I’m coming from, and what my challenges might be.

Can’t ask for more than that.

Music I’m listening to (shout out to Cody): “Layla”/Derek and the Dominos/Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs

Shoulder not good this morning. Not bad enough that I needed to skip practice, but enough to be irritating. Teres major? Minor? Infraspinatus? Looking at wikipedia info on muscles doesn’t help me understand it. I’m not even sure why I feel compelled to try to figure it out. Particularly since work is mad crazy.

I’m off to DC on Sunday, and at the same time, there’s this perfect storm of strategic initiatives for the organization, my department, my teams — oh, and the board will be meeting when I get back from DC. So now I’m putting together a presentation for them. While it’s great to get some visibility for projects, I’m also at a point where I’m just running flat out. And did I mention I had performance reviews to write for everyone? LOL!

The Cop asked me when my flights were, and all I said was that I didn’t have time to look up that information yet. Hopefully I will be able to spend a little time this evening, getting organized for the trip.

All I know for sure is that I’ll visit Tova’s shala and that I’ll get to take Amtrak from the airport to Union Station. I’m looking forward to some public transportation, odd as that may seem.