Posted in dog!, moment on 03/10/2009 05:40 pm by karen
Maybe he choked on a stone.
That was the thought in my head as I woke this morning. Obviously, my brain is working overtime to understand what happened to Ty. My psyche is stuck in a loop. I am dreading sleep these days because my psyche is in overdrive and won’t leave me alone. And as soon as I wake up enough to remember that we are supposed to get a report from the pathologist this week, I feel terrified about what it might reveal. Namely, that I did something wrong to cause Ty’s death. Or that I could have prevented it.
And then the sickening realization that none of this matters at all, because none of it will affect the outcome. I have a deep belief that information will somehow enable me to reverse this. Mistaken, I know it’s mistaken, but still, I’m doing a lot of subconscious magical-wishing.
I’m at the point where it would be easier, emotionally, just to stay awake around the clock.
Posted in ashtanga yoga, zen on 03/10/2009 07:32 am by karen
Practice was pretty good today. Physically, quite comfy; mentally, well, I used a binaural beat recording to try to theta-state my mind. The recording starts at 10 Hz and cycles down by 1 Hz every 9 minutes until it gets to 3 Hz.
And it sounds like a waterfall.
***
Wumen’s Comment to Zhaozhaou’s No
So, what is this barrier? It is simply this one word: No – the one barrier of our Zen way. And so we call it the gateless barrier of the Zen way. When you pass through this barrier, you will not only encounter Zhaozhou most intimately, but you will walk hand in hand with all the teachers of our way, you will see them face to face, your eyebrows entangling with theirs, seeing with the same eyes, hearing with the same ears. Isn’t that marvelous? It is the fulfillment of our heart’s longing. It is secret desire of all human hope and dream.
So, give your whole self into this No. Make your body and mind a mass of doubt. With every ounce of your being, concentrate on this one word, No. Keep investigating, day and night. Don’t think it is a philosopher’s “being” or “not being.” Encountering this No is like swallowing a red-hot iron ball. It sticks and you cannot swallow it down nor vomit it up.
How then should you engage this question? Burn out your entire life energy in this single word, No. If you do not hesitate, then right here it is accomplished. A single spark lights the candle.
