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It’s ok with the second series.

A smart yogi (we’ll call her “Smargi”) was chatting with me a bit about my post yesterday. About what’s supposed to happen in second series: sensitized nerves, freed shoulders, blown-open heart chakra. Okay, I’m fine with the nerve thing. Being vata, I’m accustomed to wiredness and spaciness and general nervous system chaos. The freed shoulders? Rock on. If second series can pry these shoulders loose and make ‘em free, I’m ALL for it! But the blown-open heart? Yeah. I’m gonna need to do some thinking on that one.

I mean, think about it: I spend a good portion of my day in a corporate environment. Heart-openness is not the quality of choice. It’s about bullet-point thinking and smart, logical decision-making. Oh, I’m not really getting away with the charade: they’ve noticed my hippie nature. At last year’s performance review, my boss said, in relation to my management style: “You have a gift. You really seem to LIKE people.” Hilarious, when you stop and think about it. Being human is now a skill set.

But what about when your heart is all open and you get super smooshy compassionate and everything has *emotional* stickiness all over it? Gah! It makes me feel like I’m smothering!

That’s just one reaction, of course. Letting my heart be open won’t give me the experience I “expect.” Even pretending I get to decide to “let” it be open is a weird illusion. I wonder if, underneath it all, I am worried that I’ve held my cards so close to the vest for so long that maybe my HEART is the illusion.

Ah, no matter.

***

Practice this morning was good. Quite good. I didn’t have a meeting until 8, and I took it here from the house, so I could practice without thinking about moving along and getting on to the next thing. Beside me, The Cop practiced in his manties. He tried shorts a couple of times this week, but I protested. The uniform of male home practitioners is unders, and that’s just the way it is.

It’s getting nice and warm again here in the desert, and the morning grows light earlier, so all in all, it’s quite pleasant. Does chakrasana still torment me? Indeed, it does. At this point, it is all about my being too literal, too much thinking, too much tryyyyyyying. It’s hilarious when it isn’t busy humiliating me. In the end, though, isn’t it good to be bad at something?

***

Got a pasta roller tool set for the KitchenAid. Struggled with it last night, because I couldn’t wait to play with it. Made some angel hair… finally. Spent a good bit of time overthinking and overhandling and just generally “not getting it” first. I am not good in the evening — tired, hungry, easily frustrated. In the end, though, I suddenly saw that there was a lighter-touch, more graceful way to handle the dough and use the tools. Which suddenly turned into delicate instruments of artistry.

So interesting, that transition.

Well worth trusting.