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I’ve been out of sorts for the past couple of days, as has The Cop. He has a better reason than I, though. Friday night, he was at the city’s “problem spot,” a bar where gang members from all over the valley tend to congregate on the weekend. It was closing time, the parking lot was full of people, The Cop was there checking everything out and keeping the crowd moving, and all of a sudden, someone decided to shoot a couple of people.

Needless to say, I don’t like the idea of The Cop milling about with gang members, and I particularly don’t like the idea of people shooting each other in crowds. The crowd burst into utter chaos as everyone tried to run away in a small space, and The Cop, following his training, ran TOWARD the shots, looking for the shooter. Of course, it was pandemonium.

In the end, two people died and the shooter got away. It’s bothering The Cop that it was so easy for the shooter. He could have just walked right past The Cop after killing a couple of people.

This is hard to process.

Practice was kind of low energy yesterday and today. I am haunted by work energy, which was super-vata last week. Gah! I hate being caught up in work like that. Yet, it must serve some purpose, right? There must be something gratifying about it, if I get swept up in it so frequently? Or is it just the mind trying to keep busy? Same same as the desire to avoid meditation, to skip practice, to never just BE?

BEing is scary, though, because what if I’m just BEing and something bad happens? (This is my mind’s favorite idea, kernel of desire to control the world…)

Good and evil have no self-nature.
Holy and unholy are empty names.
In front of the door is the land of stillness and light.
Spring comes, the grass grows by itself.

This is me cheering myself up.

And this, too.

P.S.: Once again, the intermediate poses make me crazy and driven. What’s the deal?? Too much all at once, perhaps? If I do just primary, I am a happy, content person. If I go to kapotasana for a few weeks, I turn into a nut case. Cut back to ustrasana for a while. Still pretty insane — all hyper and driven and triumph-at-all-costs at work. God save my coworkers. Today I knocked off after pasasana. I seem pretty human, even for a Monday…