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Zazen ahead of Ashtanga practice. Upper palate connection to pelvic floor. Immediately accessible. And today, the kinesthetic image of a snake appears. Surprise!

Cut to thought of Freeman’s audiocast: about Nada, the snake with an infinite number of heads. Related to kundalini energy – and he mentions it rising out of the spine of the Buddha as he sits, forming a canopy of infinite heads shaped like a cobra’s hood. Astonishing image.

There’s no way to adequately paraphrase RF, that’s for sure.

And then my legs disappeared. And I guess everything else, though I didn’t think about it. Just spine, top to bottom.

My heart, recently made transparent and removed by the cybershalamates, wasn’t missed. How can this be?! It feels like a great discovery. Though it doesn’t feel like anything in practice.

The upper palate/pelvic floor thing (is it just an associative thought? a metaphor?) held the key to keeping that snaky spine thing even in Ashtanga practice. Well, not in urdhva dhanurasana, though. Another thing to go looking for…

***

And in the midst of all of this mystical experience, at Marichy C, The Cop comes up with a burp. Oh, not just a burp. An eating-pizza-drinking-Pepsi-watching-a-UFC-fight championship-winning kind of burp. I glance over and he’s got a huge grin.

Need grounding? Me, yes. Him, not so much.

Moon Day, so I just sat. The Cop got up and walked into the kitchen, asked about practice. He looked disappointed about the Moon Day for a moment, then turned around and went back to bed. The dog was happy ’cause she gets to snooze on the bed with him when I’m not there.

I need to go back and listen to how Richard Freeman characterizes the connection between the upper palate and the pelvic floor in meditation. A great lecture. Available as an audio file on the newly redesigned (and really good looking!) Yoga Workshop site.

Anyhow, as I’m sitting, I curl my tongue up and rest the very tip against the upper palate. Suddenly there is consciousness in the pelvic floor. Oooh, exactly what I heard about from RF on Sunday when I listened to the lecture. I wasn’t looking for the connection this morning — feeling preceded thought, in this case. Nice. Usually I am a “think first, then try to feel” type. So this was a little first-thing-in-the-morning gift.

And of course, as is always, delightfully, the zazen “rule”: no thinking! So just the feeling, and trim the post-feeling thinking.

I did my best, but I was kinda psyched.

Half lotus feels perfectly comfortable for 25 minutes. Padmasana is fine, though I don’t usually bother. I’ve ditched the zafu and just stick with the zabuton. Asana practice over the past couple years has certainly made my sitting more comfortable — I am more in my seat than ever — but let me tell you, there is no padmasana like the padmasana at the end of Ashtanga practice. To sit directly into padmasana is kind of like jumping from sun salutations to urdhva dhanurasana — it can be done, but it feels a HECK of a lot better if you have a full practice in before you do the backbends.

So: Are asana practice and zazen the same or different?

Has anyone figured out how to answer a koan online?

As we rounded the bend into the seated poses this morning, I thought it might be time to start saying the names of the poses so The Cop can learn them.

“Janusirsasana A. Dakshina. Right side.”

I have my own names,” he said abruptly.

Um, okay. We vinyasana and start on the left side.

“Pre-gooch pose,” he announces. “Second side.”

I laugh.

“Janusirsasana B. Dakshina,” I say as we start the next pose.

“Gooch pose. First side.”

This, of course, is followed by “Gooch pose, second side.”

Then there’s “Broken toe pose, first side,” and “Broken toe pose, side that really hurts because I actually broke that toe a little while ago.”

Next?

“Pre-burp pose.”

I was laughing until I couldn’t breathe. And the next pose?

“Regret my dinner pose.”

And then?

“Two more poses about increasing regret…”

Wow, over the past day I’ve had some really interesting conversations with folks about the privatization question. Discussion of pros and cons.

Interestingly, The Cop, who usually is not the most web-friend friendly person in the world, argued against privatization at dinner. I explained that I generally surf blogs in the morning when I have coffee and that it can mess with me when people are being mean or petty. I KNOW I should be able to rise above it, but I just hate when the first thing that goes into my fresh morning consciousness is aggressive or mean. It tends to kind of gnaw at me, and yes, I know I should just be able to dismiss it, but it doesn’t always work that way. I guess I expect us all to have a sense of loyalty to each other, even if we disagree. It’s absurd, I know, to expect such a thing from cyberspace, but I am a ridiculous optimist. Team Ashtanga, after all! All helping each other on the road to enlightenment!

Aw, it just bothers me if my first impulse in the morning is to tell someone off or feel defensive or whatever. Why have or spread that kind of energy? Yes, I hear how silly my assumptions are.

Growing a thicker skin is something I’ve tried to avoid in all aspects of life, so I don’t want to default to that. Learning how to process more quickly/easily would be helpful, but without the thicker crust…

Then there’s the open sharing of practice information aspect of a public blog. I have learned a lot from other practitioners who are willing to share their thoughts/practices, and I like the idea that we can all chip in to a collective database of sorts.

And of course there’s the question of whether privatization will make the blog too circumscribed, too private.

On the upside, I heard from some folks who I had never “met” before, and that is totally cool.

So, there are a few of the arguments against. Later on, I’ll write more about the pro-privatization arguments.

Here’s the first thought this morning: I need to sit more. This thought arises from an intersection of Owl’s and Zee’s correspondences. And is sealed by a note from the zendo with the January/February weekend schedules. Also factoring in: The Cop’s comment, “So don’t read blogs in the morning.”

Yup, a little coffee, some circumscribed surfing, and then some pre-practice zazen. I got into the habit of coffee and Ashtangi.net because I had some time to kill while the coffee settled. Zazen would fit in there quite nicely. LOL! Plus there is something kinda funny about using the quest for enlightenment to kill time. Mucho zen.

I feel kinda sheepish, like a diva who has a bunch of “final” tours. Sorry for the drama. The privatization question is open right now, and I guess I’ll learn something by thinking it over a bit.

Going to make the blog private at the end of the week. Nothing secret or dramatic is going on. I’m just conscious of discontent out in the blogosphere — lots of sniping about what people choose to write about or how they choose to write, etc. I don’t want to be involved in all of that. This isn’t about some kind of special exclusivity — it’s about allowing people to opt in, and then once you’re in, you get what you paid for.

If you want permission to read when this blog goes private, just drop me a note at dzm (spell it out) at hotmail. I should get Cody to write a little “Benefits of Membership” ad. Though it is pretty much one bullet point:

Not much regarding the ineffable, I’m afraid. “Whereof we cannot speak, thereof we must be silent.” Well, unless it’s just too tempting.

From what I’m seeing with a quick couple of searches, WordPress is a lot harder to take private than Blogger. Might mean a switch back to Blogger. I’ll miss my current format… It’s so pretty… If anyone out there has mastered the art of taking a WordPress blog private, let me know.

Go Patriots!

Lauren asked for a definition of proprioception. Wikipedia’s page on proprioception is a great place to start.

Proprioception is the sense of the relative position of neighbouring parts of the body. Unlike the six exteroceptive senses (sight, taste, smell, touch, hearing, and balance) by which we perceive the outside world, and interoceptive senses, by which we perceive the pain and the stretching of internal organs, proprioception is a third distinct sensory modality that provides feedback solely on the status of the body internally. It is the sense that indicates whether the body is moving with required effort, as well as where the various parts of the body are located in relation to each other.

In this article, there is even some wrangling about the difference between proprioception and kinesthesia! I’m a language nerd and a poet, so this is just the kind of thing I love.

Proprioception and kinaesthesia are seen as interrelated and there is considerable disagreement regarding the definition of these terms. Some of this difficulty stems from Sherrington’s original description of joint position sense (or the ability to determine where a particular body part exactly is in space) and kinaesthesia (or the sensation that the body part has moved) under a more general heading of proprioception.

If you’re entertained by those ideas, check out the argument in the paragraphs that follow that one. Whilst I am a language nerd and a poet, I am not a philosopher, so logical arguments generally interest me primarily for how the syntax works. In other words, how the argument progresses or concludes doesn’t interest me, but how the language is used to MAKE the argument is fascinating.

Hey, I just realized that though I am a slacker cook and a relatively disinterested eater (meaning, too lazy for connoisseurship), I AM always puttering about with, and delighted in, the minute details of language. So not a foodie, but definitely a wordie!

***

Last night The Cop went to an armed robbery. And then off to a commitment of the lady who tried to light herself on fire the other day.

While he was off doing those things, I was reading Ka. Fell asleep thinking how beautiful the following passage is. It’s about Prajapati (Progenitor; Lord of the Creatures; antecedent of Brahma) creating idam (“This”) and idam sarvam (“All This”):

To bring forth “this,” was a long torment for Prajapati. And likewise to have it become “all this,” including the flies and the gadflies for which he was later reproached. Little by little he was overcome by a tremendous lassitude. A being would appear, and immediately some joint of his would come loose. The lymph shrank in his body like water in a puddle under a scorching sun. As his joints were coming apart, came apart, one after another, he gazed at bits of himself, spread out on the grass, like alien and incongruous objects. Suddenly he realized that all that was left of him was his heart. Beating, begrimed. As he struggled to see himself in that scrap of flesh, he realized he no longer recognized himself. He shrieked like a lunatic: “Self! Self, atman!” Impassive, the waters heard him. Slowly they turned toward Prajapati as though to some relative fallen upon hard times. They gave him back his torso, so that it might once again protect his heart. Then they offered up a sacrificial ceremony to him, the agnihotra. It might turn out useful, someday, they said — if Prajapati should ever wish to reassemble himself in his entirety.

To bring Jason’s triadic perspective into this, I suppose that in the general workings of my relationship with The Cop, I tend to look after the Brahma/creator aspect of the trimurti, which evolves into the sustain, the plateau, or the Vishnu/preserver aspect (which would be our everyday, stable personal life together) which is followed by the decay, the decline, the Shiva-destroyer aspect (which is more The Cop’s domain). Kinda interesting to think about.

***

Yay! Saturday! Day off from work, day off from practice. I have nothing that I HAVE to do. Nice.

Perhaps I will make maple cupcakes.

In my last post, Arturo pointed out — quite rightly — that walking the feet in on urdhva dhanurasana can crunch the sacrum. I’ve been doing it because it allows me to try to push my chest into the wall. If I walk my hands in instead, my chest just gets further away from the wall. Yes, the wall’s a proprioceptive aid and one that I don’t want to get too accustomed to. But it IS handy.

All that said, this morning, I took a different tack. In part because my knee hurt last night. And this morning. My left knee. Yes, the side that Owl recognized as wonky. The weird thing was that the knee would throb, but when I turned my attention to it, it would seem like the pain was actually coming from the left side of my sacrum. Referred pain from sacrum to knee? Vice versa? A yoga spell cast from California?

Anyhow, due to the mysterious pain, this morning it was hand-walking or nothing. But how to solve for needing to get my chest to the wall? I know! Lie down, scrunch the top of your head against the wall really tight, then line up your feet so they are not only close to your butt, but actually pulled up past your butt (like when you put your foot as far behind your hip as possible in Marichy A). THEN push up into urdhva dhanurasana. You are so close to the wall at that point, that you can walk your hands in and still be near the wall.

Okay, I know. Complicated to explain in words. I’ll make a video later.

And speaking of proprioception. I woke up this morning and there was a weight across my tummy. I touched it with my left hand. Agh! An arm! A dead arm!

Yeah. It was mine. That’s freaky.

Things change. Yesterday morning, I felt awful before and during practice. This morning, I felt delightful. Nice.

I was also haunted by the images of beet salad that Tova posted on her blog. Beets, feta, pine nuts. I am going out to Wild Oats to get lunch today instead of huddling at my desk. I must have some beets and pine nuts. And a bag of carrots, because that sounds like a yummy snack.

***

Last night, The Cop dropped by the house during his shift, because he was in the neighborhood. He smelled of smoke because he had just been to a call where a woman tried to light her house on fire. She stuffed a bunch of stuff into the stove, set it at 500, and lay down on the couch. He sees a lot of attempted (and successful) suicides. It makes me terribly sad, that so many people are so deeply unhappy.

***

This morning, I spend a good bit of time doing the Vanessa exercise. Up into UD at the wall, walk the feet in, press the chest open, repeat. Woohoo! It’s starting to really work! And astonishingly, it is feeling really good! It’s a little scary, because I feel sensations that are unfamiliar, and I have to sort them out, because “reactive mind,” feeling unfamiliar things in a weird upside-down position, tends to want to get anxious and label the sensations “bad,” or “pain,” and then bail. But if I just relax a bit, it all works out.

And who was it yesterday who said the arms in UD should be springy and all the work kept in the legs?? I’m thinking it was Patrick… Anyhow, yes! Yes! Yes!

[video 6101 w=400]

And I even grabbed a couple of screen shots that document a UD on New Year’s Day (first photo) and one from today (second photo).

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Yes, I am walking my feet in, which I am figuring is a “training wheels” exercise — something that is educational, but which is also a habit that will need to be broken. The relationship of my upper body to the wall is really important, so I can’t get the same effect by walking my hands in (which would be preferable to the feet). Once I get this squared away and the armpits open more, I will jettison the feet-walking business. In the meantime, though, a very useful exercise…

My nervous system is on too tight. No idea why. I am jangly and discombobulated. If I were a sound, I would definitely be high-pitched.

Woke up with a pretty bad headache, which moved down and settled in my stomach by the time I finished practice. Next to me, The Cop struggled in his practice. Last night we went out for dinner and he had enough hot sauce on his food to keep breaking out in a sweat well after he’d finished eating. “I’m going to regret this tomorrow,” he said. Much as he cannot save me from my self, I cannot save him from his. I just smiled.

He braved through admirably. I was kind of nostalgic as I practiced next to him, thinking, “I remember what this is like.” Oh yeah, what it feels like when you first find out that you can practice when you don’t feel good. It’s an interesting state.

My mind thinks about what might be making me feel so crappy:

Oh well.

New book: Siva, The Erotic Ascetic.

Attributes of Shiva:

Lists make me happy.

The Cop did a good job at practice today. He is starting to ask a few questions and kind of piece things together. The breath sequence for vinyasas, the cant of the knee in ardha baddha padmottanasana and ardha baddha paschimottanasana.

He zips right through savasana, though. I know better than to tell him to lie around for a long while – that wouldn’t compute. So he finishes his finishing poses and then lies down for a few seconds and then it’s back to the races.

So after I finished my practice I went into the livingroom and explained savasana. From my perspective. I told him that savasana is practice for dying. I reminded him of the documentary we watched about Tibetan death rituals, and how when the body dies the consciousness goes into the bardo. It can be scared or confused, and if it hasn’t figured out that it is free, if it hasn’t figured out what it is, it will hover around the physical world, longing to be reincarnated.

Savasana is practice for letting your body go. Asana teaches you to still your thoughts and sudden, intense reactions – it kind of relaxes the automatic responses of the body and its hyper-attached intersection with the mind. Pranayama teaches you to relax reactivity around breath. All of it frees up consciousness. And savasana is a place where you can practice dying. So that one day you can let go and your consciousness will remain even-keeled and clear. And then you’re free.

So that’s how I see it. The Cop listened and I felt kind of goofy spelling out my mystical beliefs. When I finished, though, he reached out and patted my hand. “You’re a good teacher,” he said. Very sweet.

It kind of makes me laugh. I love these notions of savasana, but I wonder how it would play in a regular class. Practice for dying? Yeah, I don’t think other people would necessarily find that as good an idea as I do. Somehow it seems very soothing to me. Very grounding.