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Very strange practice. Very blissful physically and mentally, during the practice; very difficult, mentally, both before and after. Maybe I am just tired from almost three weeks of travelling. I’ve been cranky in my mind for the past few days, just out of sorts. Didn’t want to go back to work, easily irritated once there.

Got up this morning and felt very heavy and irritable in my mind. Did a lot of distraction web-surfing, then cleaned the guest bathroom (did I mention the house needs cleaning after three weeks of travelling?). Finally unpacked the space heater from last year and lured myself to the mat with the promise of a nice warm spot in the yoga room.

Did standing and the second half of primary. Repeated the transitions out of bhujapidasana and supta kurmasana a few times. Made note of how good it all felt (though the transitions still suck). I can transition from bakasana to chaturanga — it’s the sucking the knees into the armpits part that is baffling me. Anyhow.

Spent a looooong time in baddha konasana, which felt really grounding. Worked my way through to urdhva dhanurasana, which is feeling rather good these days. Then just knocked off. I was over it. My mind was back in “begin the work day” mode.

But first I just lay on the mat and breathed. It felt great. Also reminded me that I don’t spend nearly enough time just breathing and enjoying it. Definitely too wound up these days. Not sure why.

So then I walk away from the mat kind of berating myself for not doing more, for not doing a full practice, for not doing more backbends. Argh! Why must I torment myself? I think this may be something I need to resolve: I get attached to a fundamentalist mindset (do the practice, do it exactly as outlined, never diverge, berate self if disinclined to follow every rule). Gah.

I know there is a graceful thread of bliss through yoga. Perhaps the equivalent of flexibility. There is also a disciplined thread of focus. Perhaps the equivalent of strength. Sthira and sukha, anyone? I have always more easily come down on the side of discipline and strength. (“Soften, soften,” CL said, leaving me at a loss.) Okay, so I know how to pursue the discipline. Through persistent “suck it up and do it” practice. How to pursue the softness?

I remember transitioning from Anusara/Iyengar yoga to Ashtanga. I was “stuck,” it felt, in the stillness of the poses, and needed more motion.

How, though, do I now cultivate more soft, graceful flexibility? Particularly when I am still trying to build strength…

New koan, I guess.

Back to work, but first, back to Mysore practice. Great to see VBG, Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director, and the Gymnast. After my recent uncompromising practices, it felt good to be at home in the shala, to practice without any self-consciousness. The Sicilian, who is currently practicing in Goa sent her regards recently, and made note of how the Scottsdale shala is all about the combination of devotion and lightness. True enough.

I thought about it a bit as I practiced. VBG is, self-admittedly, pretty laid back about form. He’s not going to have much to say about your toes. He is, however, going to foster your fast track to dharana and dhyana. It’s extraordinary, really: when the Indian cabbie in Singapore asked about the spiritual aspect of my yoga practice, I felt totally NOT poseur — I’ve come by my relationship to the eight limbs honestly. And that’s really where VBG has been my teacher. I walked in as a gal with a strong affinity for pratyahara, and here I am, almost two and a half years later, with a much more well-rounded appreciation for, and practice of, the other limbs. I forget about that sometimes, when the siren song of asana practice pulls me in other directions. Like Ganesha’s mouse, Mushak, who I recently saw described as an embodiment of desire. I love the idea of the little mouse as mischievous desire.

I haven’t escaped my desire for better transitions out of Bhujapidasana and Supta Kurmasana, and goodness knows, I want to smooth out Chakrasana, but (at least for the moment) I am seeing them for the little mice they are.

Back from Asia. A 24 hour travel odyssey and I find myself back in the desert. Which looks beautiful. Nothing like getting away to remind you of how you love home.

And so happy to be back with The Cop.

Slept from 10 PM until noon. Deep, deep sleep. I always know when I’ve slept really deeply, because I wake up with a nightmare. I guess that’s my psychic alarm clock.

Just wanted to do a quick wrap-up of practice in Singapore. What can I say? I very much enjoyed Pure Yoga, and CL is a terrific teacher. Last practice there was challenging and amusing: she kicked my butt through more chakrasanas, then warmly sent her best wishes to VBG and Muscle Man. She really seems like an extraordinary person — strong, focused, and very warm. “Uncompromising,” actually, is the word that springs to mind, at least in relation to physical practice. And yet, very warm and human. An excellent combination.

I didn’t even try to get up for Mysore practice this morning. I’ll do a home practice instead. And yes, I will really put some effort into the transitions out of Bhujapidasana and Supta Kurmasana, and I’ll do all my Chakrasanas.

Note to The Gracious Yogini: Would you mind getting in touch? Via my screen name, plus yahoo dot com?

I went over to the studio early, seeing as we have a car meeting us at 10:30. The women at the studio were nice enough to let me start right in.

Today’s practice was a chakrasana-fest. Ugh. Something I really need, though. It’s difficult because I store all my tension in my neck and shoulders.

Will talk more about this once I’m back in the US. For now, though, I need a quick shower, to find more aloe vera yogurt, and then it’s off to the airport. It’ll be 5 hours to Taiwan, 15 hours to LAX, 2 hours to Phoenix. Factor in stop over time, and we’re looking at about 25 hours.

I usually do led on Saturday, so it was nice to have a Mysore practice. Instead of 6:45, practice starts at 8 AM. There were already people started by the time I got in at 8:05, and the sliding door kept opening and bringing more practitioners until the room was almost full. Good turnout!

The thing that’s hard in a new studio is that you never know if you are in someone’s space.

CL didn’t show up until I was into sitting poses, so there was no huge crankfest for Prasarita C. Kinda sad.

I had the “foot hold-down” for Marichyasana D, and she circled back around as I lazed out of Bhujapidasana. “Let’s do it again, Karen,” she said. But first a nice explanation of how my hands needed to be the width of my lats (I usually set up with my hands closer together), and that when I come out of the pose, I need to work the lats for the “up,” then squeeze HARD with the legs on the arms into Bakasana, then shoot the legs out into Chaturanga. CL is very big on not being tense except where you have to be (in this case, the lats, then the abs). Me, I tend to be kind of tense all over. This is the big learning from this mini-study I’ve had with her.

So I did Bhujapidasana again, trying to work the way she suggested. Then I try again. I’m hugely uncoordinated, as is generally true when I try to do new things. It is all in my head, my body spazzes out, and then slowly I repeat and repeat until it can move from my head into my body. I wish I were one of those kinesthetic learners who can just look at something and know how to do it.

Okay, so the transition out of Bhujapidasana is something to work on. Instead of tense and lazy, and I can practice being “soft” and motivated.

Supta Padangusthasana went nicely, with the kidneys picking up some of what I usually relegate solely to my abs. As I started to so my usual post-Supta Padangusthasana vinyasa, CL said, “You don’t do Chakrasana, Karen? Why?” Well, because I am tense and lazy, of course! I didn’t say that, just kind of looked up and shrugged.

“Do you want to try?” she asked. Well, no… but yes, I will.

Chakrasana instruction was very interesting. Again, about not being tense. NOT tensing the legs and abs, but rather, getting a kind of fluid motion in the hips/back, a kind of rolling back and forth motion, with the groins NOT tense (ack, CL’s instruction makes me so aware of how freaking TENSE I am!) and then a little push back into chakrasana. She had me practice with my legs wide apart to make it easier. I still really suck at it, but this kind of took away my ability to pretend the transition doesn’t exist. Okay. More practice is necessary.

By the time I was finished, I felt like I really need to take some time to work out what I think of as the “detail” work of primary: the transitions, the Chakrasanas. Perhaps that should be my focus for a bit.

I have noticed that she doesn’t do assisted dropbacks. Interesting. Perhaps because she is so tiny? I can’t imagine that’s it, though, because she is clearly very strong.

Okay, enough documentation for now. I have a last chance to practice with her tomorrow morning before we go hop on a plane back to the states. I’m looking forward to it.