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Very strange practice. Very blissful physically and mentally, during the practice; very difficult, mentally, both before and after. Maybe I am just tired from almost three weeks of travelling. I’ve been cranky in my mind for the past few days, just out of sorts. Didn’t want to go back to work, easily irritated once there.

Got up this morning and felt very heavy and irritable in my mind. Did a lot of distraction web-surfing, then cleaned the guest bathroom (did I mention the house needs cleaning after three weeks of travelling?). Finally unpacked the space heater from last year and lured myself to the mat with the promise of a nice warm spot in the yoga room.

Did standing and the second half of primary. Repeated the transitions out of bhujapidasana and supta kurmasana a few times. Made note of how good it all felt (though the transitions still suck). I can transition from bakasana to chaturanga — it’s the sucking the knees into the armpits part that is baffling me. Anyhow.

Spent a looooong time in baddha konasana, which felt really grounding. Worked my way through to urdhva dhanurasana, which is feeling rather good these days. Then just knocked off. I was over it. My mind was back in “begin the work day” mode.

But first I just lay on the mat and breathed. It felt great. Also reminded me that I don’t spend nearly enough time just breathing and enjoying it. Definitely too wound up these days. Not sure why.

So then I walk away from the mat kind of berating myself for not doing more, for not doing a full practice, for not doing more backbends. Argh! Why must I torment myself? I think this may be something I need to resolve: I get attached to a fundamentalist mindset (do the practice, do it exactly as outlined, never diverge, berate self if disinclined to follow every rule). Gah.

I know there is a graceful thread of bliss through yoga. Perhaps the equivalent of flexibility. There is also a disciplined thread of focus. Perhaps the equivalent of strength. Sthira and sukha, anyone? I have always more easily come down on the side of discipline and strength. (“Soften, soften,” CL said, leaving me at a loss.) Okay, so I know how to pursue the discipline. Through persistent “suck it up and do it” practice. How to pursue the softness?

I remember transitioning from Anusara/Iyengar yoga to Ashtanga. I was “stuck,” it felt, in the stillness of the poses, and needed more motion.

How, though, do I now cultivate more soft, graceful flexibility? Particularly when I am still trying to build strength…

New koan, I guess.