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So there I am, doing urdhva dhanurasana with my hands in the corner of the wall/floor. Need to press my chest forward. Which would suggest walking the feet in. But wait, I’ve made a point of how important it is to walk the HANDS in. At 6 AM, upside down, this seems like an impossible dilemma. I am frozen with indecision.

It’s also a good measure of how far I’ve come. When I first started doing urdhva dhanurasana, my heart would beat wildly and I would feel panicked. Then for a while, I would get nauseated. Then it was stiff, cement-block asana: dense and opaque. Now I can at least be upside down suffering an inability to reason and testing the limits of my lack of coordination. Lame though my situation might be, I’ve come a long way. Finally my full consciousness is present in the pose.

This morning’s upside-down, “Oh my God! What am I going to do?!” drama is hilarious. Once I am righted, it is clear that I need to walk my feet in to push my pits to the wall AND I need to practice walking my hands in. I need to do both. I need to avoid being dogmatic and setting rules.

Such a challenge.

Oh, also wanted to mention that I tried Tova‘s Prasarita C tip this morning. Instead of pushing down with my hands, I pushed out through the shoulders. (She explained this better than I am…) MUCH better results, and feels better than cranking the arms. Prasarita C is a pose I’ve never stressed about: it’s easy for VBG to push my hands the last little bit to touch the ground, so I’ve never had any drive to perfect the pose or make sure I could get my hands to the ground on my own. Figured it’d happen eventually — once my shoulders opened up. BUt Tova’s tip is one of those ones where you try it and go, “Oh! So this is what I’ve been supposed to do all along!”

Working from home. The Cop (who, as a digression, recently decided we should have desert landscaping, and is tearing up the front yard as we speak), comes in with the mail. Including a red NetFlix envelope. He opens it. “Hmph,” he says, looking at the disc, “Never heard of it. Guess it’s yours. Must have Willem Dafoe.”

He knows me so well.

A new buddy movie.

Those are our Native Ashtangi names.

Anyhow, this morning’s practice was lovely. It is cool in the desert in the mornings now, so I have worn a jacket to practice the past couple of days. Cozy. The Cop and I were leaving our favorite sports bar last night (I had a little tummy ache, having watched the BoSox as we ate) and I complained about the COOOOLD. “I’m freezing!!” I said. He pointed at my light tee shirt and suggested that long sleeves might help. Point taken.

Okay, so my entertainment this morning was the wall-walking dropbacks. And the hand-walking urdhva dhanurasanas. It’s all slowly cracking open. And (knock wood) no issues at all in the lower back. All of this work is centered around the thoracic area and my shoulders. Nice.

Only wierdness is in baddha konasana, which seems to be more difficult than ever. Like the hip joints are inflamed. It doesn’t feel like a painful resistance, so much as an unfathomable depth of… well, of I don’t know what. Like I don’t have any consciousness in that area, but it’s really BIG. There’s a koan in there, somewhere. I have no grasp on it yet. I’m curious to see what it turns out to be, whatever the question/insight/knot might be.

Tingly Foot got back to me in a comment to my last post, reminding me about rocking in urdhva dhanurasana. Thanks, TF! Comment noted. (Happy to hear the kapo-tingle resolved.) I really do feel like the tighter I can get the arch, and the lighter I can get my hands, the better off I’ll be. The wall-walking dropbacks, which VBG reminded me, are about as few touches as possible — dropping back and then coming right back up — can use a little “rock” as a segue between the down and the up. I’ll try that. It’s been very cool, how instructive this exercises has been: I learned something about the curving motion and how my balance shifts from standing to dropped back, back to standing. It definitely has a wavelike feeling.

I’m going to go get “Creative Visualization” from the library this afternoon. The dropback project can definitely benefit from some strong visualization, I think.

Gah. Dinner with the parents. **Heavy** practice this morning.

Bleh.

Started to walk my foot in during urdhva dhanurasana. Immediately felt how it was crunching my sacrum. Switched to my hands. Much better. It puts the stress in the lower thoracic instead.

VBG had me step away from the wall and set up for a dropback. “Go ahead,” he said.

Oh, the wall. “Am I close enough?” I asked, entertaining visions of hitting my head on the floor as I totally missed the wall.

He nodded.

Oooh, it was kind of nice. I only had to touch a couple of times going down. I tried this a while back and was totally uncoordinated. This morning, I walked down, then walked back up with very few touches. The newfound coordination is because of the hand-walking business. I realize now that I had some kind of unwritten kinesthetic “rule” that hips and shoulders stayed parallel. It was just how I moved. Reinforced by decades of weightlifting. Anyhow, it was very cool this morning to move down the wall and back up with just a few touches. My legs were nice and grounded, and I realized that I used to do it backwards: my shoulders would be like cement, and all of the movement was in my hips. Today, though, the legs were cement and the shoulder girdle/upper back was articulating/initiating movement by adjusting side-to-side in relation to the stillness of the hips.

Duh! It seems so obvious now.

Okay, Tova. You can thank me for inventing this again.

Yeah, that little adjustment VBG did Friday morning, where he sat behind me as I did urdhva dhanurasana and pressed his foot into my upper back until my chest touched the wall? Okay, it’s a KILLER adjustment. I felt weirdly undone all day. A couple of people from work and I did a field trip to look at some testing centers, and I felt bizarre the whole time. Like my vision wouldn’t extend more than a foot or two out from myself. Not the actual eye-vision, but kind of my perception of the world. It didn’t help that the fellow who drove is one of those drivers who presses the gas then lets up on it, presses, lets up, etc., etc., etc., until I feel motion sick.

So I had a headache all day and all evening. With this weird sense that something had been shaken loose inside me.

Got up this morning and the headache was remote, but still in there. My upper back, between and under my shoulderblades, was sore as hell. But that’s a good thing. Just what I need. Went to led class despite feeling a little under the weather. I think The Cop and I are both kind of low with something buggy. He’s felt off, too.

Led was fine. When VBG launched into the first third of intermediate, I wanted to do a face-down savasana instead, but I lumbered along. At kapotasana, my fingers got my toes pretty easily, but that’s not my current goal. What I’m after these days is the urdhva dhanurasana. Comfort in urdhva dhanurasana. Is that too much to ask?

I walked my hands in, which is a real project for my brain. I feel like a baby just learning to walk. In order to move either of my arms, I find that my left hip raises a bit. (0v0) and Tova are on to something here. The hands walking in tell you a lot about your sacrum. Like that mine is screwy and misaligned. Oh wait, I already knew that.

I’m sure to the cerebral, it seems strange that my affinity for moving my hands is all about the challenge this creates in my brain. Yes, yes, I could spend my time mulling over post-modern philosophy or the subtleties of French poetry. But no, I want to challenge my brain with moving my arms while I am upside down and holding a good percentage of my weight on them.

Because THAT is how I will become self-actualized.

I’m only half-joking. Actually, I guess I’m not joking at all.

Okay, so class was good and then a few of us went to Pita Jungle to have a farewell lunch with Returning Guy, who is off to India. He was commenting on how his co-workers are bemused at his willingness to quit his job, pack up a few things, and head to India. I looked around the outdoor cafe and found myself surrounded by a bunch of young Snottsdale folks. Designer clothes, designer sunglasses, designer cars, designer hair. The Cop spends a good bit of time arresting them once they’ve grown drunk and belligerent in the nearby martini bar late on weekend nights.

Then I looked back at Returning Guy. Who was smiling and eating falafel and chatting about his trip. Yeah, right — he’s the weirdo.

VBG was interested to hear what responses I got on my question about urdhva dhanurasana yesterday. I told him what Tova thought and I told him what Hamish says — per Vanessa

Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director and I went on to have a chat about moving the hands versus moving the feet. I gave the walk-the-hands-in thing a go: definitely harder than walking the feet in. The word Tova used to describe it is perfect: “precise.” You have to be more precise when you walk in the hands. The British Director noted that she was surprised at how you have to adjust your weight into one arm in order to move the other. I was surprised, too. I mean, it’s a “duh!” realization, but nevertheless. It made me realize that I can move my feet (and consequently, my hips) without any thought — but the hands (and consequently, my shoulders) require much more, well, precision.

Maybe this is just one of those examples of how doing something other than what you are accustomed to doing brings a kind of mindfulness. You can’t just move unconsciously. Or, as I said to the The British Director, maybe it’s just nice to have something to think about while we’re suffering in urdhva dhanurasana.

As I was practicing urdhva dhanurasana this morning, VBG came over and sat on my mat and used his foot to puuuuuuush my chest to the wall. Whoa, just what I needed!

Woke up from a dream: My extended family was visiting me and The Cop. We lived in an apartment with long, matted shag rugs. For some reason, The Cop brought along his other wife. Who I never knew about. I was pretty unhappy. And then I went to present at a board meeting, where I was derided by the board, which was composed of very caustic gay men and very old-school feminists. The men cut down my presentation, and the women laughed when I told them I was flustered because I’d just discovered that my husband was a bigamist.

Geez.

“Forget this!” I thought, and got up a little early.

Practice was good. VBG was in a cheery mood; Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director and Returning Guy were there, as was a new fellow I’d never seen before. Returning Guy will be returning yet again — in March. In the interim, he’s off to India.

Why, in urdhva dhanurasana, is it all about walking your hands toward your feet, and not your feet toward your hands?

And why is doing all of primary plus a hunk of intermediate considered strength-building? In all other physical pursuits (running, climbing, weightlifting), long practices are used for building endurance, while short, intense practices are used for building strength. Following that logic, the best way to build strength would be to do standing poses and then jump into one’s intermediate poses.

Any thoughts/insights?

Moon Day. Woohoo! Slept in until 7 AM. Did a little front stretching, as prescribed by Tova. Got on the rack, as prescribed by Linda. Re-read notes from (0v0) and a teacher in the Great Northwest, both of whom offer smart advice.

“Watch out for the mind’s ceaseless reach for novelty.”

Oh boy. I’ve been found out.

Okay, I get it. I can input new info about backbends, but I have to keep my eye on the prize. Dharana in action.

So just do it.

Very small turnout at practice this morning. Just Sanskrit Scholar and myself. Sigh. I’m not sighing because it isn’t lovely to practice with Sanskrit Scholar. It’s just because this cultivating-Ashtangis-and-specifically-Mysore-practicing-Ashtangis is quite a project.

This morning I went to navasana then set off on the intermediate backbends. Why? Well, because I really need to work on the freaking backbends, and when I do the whole of primary there’s little left in the way of drive when I am doing my urdhva dhanurasanas. Which is what I need most to practice.

Cranky and Lax have been on YC‘s blog, offering backbending tips and tricks. Very helpful. For all the drama that goes on in the blogosphere at times, I must say that I’ve gotten lots of great information and many pep talks. Much appreciated.

And meanwhile, back at the office, someone just celebrated a year with the organization. With pie. Not a home-made one, though. And not even a good one. It seems to be pumpkin. I’m not amused. Good thing it wasn’t chocolate cake, though. I’ve had a huge hankering for chocolate cake lately, and there’s a good chance I would have had an enormous piece and pretty much ruined my day with caffeine/sugar high and subsequent crash and crankiness.

All I want to do lately is yoga.