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Put on the shuffle and practiced to Sharath’s primary led.

The pace prompts a quick, light breath. No time for luxurious ujjayi breaths.

“Connoisseur of the breath.” Where did I hear that? I wondered. It seemed contradictory to the practice I was doing with the CD. It was Richard Freeman, I think. Not that it’s his fault I’ve fetishized the breath, that I’ve overemphasized it, or used it to self-medicate.

No matter where the idea came from, this morning’s practice shook me awake to the fact that I’ve been a bit too much of a connoisseur of the breath. At the expense of the light energy of the practice. Seriously, when I think about it a bit, I realize I’ve been hypnotizing myself by getting so deep into the breath.

This is something I tend to wonder about with meditation: where’s the line between dhyana and just-zoning-out? I have a tendency to be absorbed in experiences, to be able to withdraw my senses — so I have to look out for overdoing it. For being too much of a connoisseur. Like people who make such a freaking big deal about the way something tastes that you want to scream and run away.

I’ve made my internal practice rather baroque with my own ideas about it. Instead of the plain old practice itself.

And definitely gotten carried away with progressing. Had a vision of my recent practice: hypnotizing myself through primary and then striving for the intermediate section.

Uh oh. No wonder I’ve been feeling so off-balance and disconnected.