donutszenmom.com

Insomnia. Woke at 2:45, lay in bed worrying about My Gift and life in general, and then got up at 3:45. My Gift was visiting since last Thursday, but took off to return to her new rental house last night. I think I probably won’t feel quite right until I go up there and see the place and can envision where she is. Not sure why that matters, but apparently it does.

The thing that got me going this morning was the fact that the house has loft beds. Of course, I woke wondering if she could fall out. Sigh. It’s remarkable how busy our minds are while we (try to) sleep. Just yesterday I was talking with someone at work who had had a scare when her son was injured in a baseball game. I reminisced about the days when My Gift took horseback riding lessons: when she was learning to jump, I had to kind of turn off my mind so I wouldn’t freak out. After every fall she took, I’d wake in the middle of the night, my mind replaying the tape of the incident.

Anyhow, here I am at 4:30, awake for a good while already. I also wondered whether the sleeplessness has to do with getting back to intermediate backbends.

Mother’s Day dinner with The Cop, My Gift and The Frenchman was at a new sushi restaurant. Our favorite is a traditional sushi place, but we wanted to try out the trendy sushi and martini bar that opened recently. Nice place. Interesting rolls. My Gift and The Frenchman have a true appreciation for traditional sushi, but they also love their strange rolls (Marilyn Monroll, Squid Vicious, Eating Nemo).

I went to bed early, in anticipation of a tough practice this morning; after all, my reentry to Mysore practice and Saturday led had left me feeling pretty beat up. Unfortunately, the dog had a bad night. She was up wandering around, then asking to be let out. Unusual behavior for her, so of course I complied. Between 1 and 3 AM, she went out three times. Then she’d go stand by her bed forlornly, before pacing around again. Poor thing. Finally at about 3:30, she drank about a gallon of water, lay down, and fell asleep.

I expected practice to suck, and I wasn’t happy when the alarm went off at 4:30. As it turns out, though, practice was just fine. It’s interesting, because I had such a blissful return to practice after 3 weeks off, and now it is pretty much back to normal. Slightly less wildly blissful, but more intensely soothing and nurturing. Hmmm, rather like the trajectory of a romantic relationship.

Supta kurmasana was nice: usually once Volleyball Guy crosses my ankles, there is a lot of counterpressure in the upper body. Not this morning, though. I did all of primary, as per plan, and then decided to go ahead with the second series poses, through kapotasana. Sanskrit Scholar spotted me on supta vajrasana, and she pulled my arms tighter than I think they’ve ever been. Want to loosen your shoulders? Supta vajrasana’s the asana for the job.

My romance with ibuprofen continues, but not in any significantly disturbing manner. Need to taper off, now that I am back into practice. The only tweak, really, seems to be super sore tricep inserts. I think from trying to stretch my arms straight in urdhva dhanurasana — or anything, really. Basically, they’re like plastic figurine arms — how I wish I had the special Barbie elbow joints that realistically bend and straighten

My Gift presented me with a Mother’s Day gift. It was wrapped, with a little note that I should read it and then pass it on to her. What, I wondered, could she have picked out as something we would both enjoy? I unwrapped it to find “Between a Rock and a Hard Place.” Ah yes, fun for me because I love climbing stories and outdoor adventures, and perfect for My Gift, with her nerdish delight in medical anomalies. The Cop regaled us with tales of gang confrontations and funny taser bloopers (not in the same story). All in all, a lovely Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day dinner with The Cop, My Gift and The Frenchman was at a new sushi restaurant. Our favorite is a traditional sushi place, but we wanted to try out the trendy sushi and martini bar that opened recently. Nice place. Interesting rolls. My Gift and The Frenchman have a true appreciation for traditional sushi, but they also love their strange rolls (Marilyn Monroll, Squid Vicious, Eating Nemo).

I went to bed early, in anticipation of a tough practice this morning; after all, my reentry to Mysore practice and Saturday led had left me feeling pretty beat up. Unfortunately, the dog had a bad night. She was up wandering around, then asking to be let out. Unusual behavior for her, so of course I complied. Between 1 and 3 AM, she went out three times. Then she’d go stand by her bed forlornly, before pacing around again. Poor thing. Finally at about 3:30, she drank about a gallon of water, lay down, and fell asleep.

I expected practice to suck, and I wasn’t happy when the alarm went off at 4:30. As it turns out, though, practice was just fine. It’s interesting, because I had such a blissful return to practice after 3 weeks off, and now it is pretty much back to normal. Slightly less wildly blissful, but more intensely soothing and nurturing. Hmmm, rather like the trajectory of a romantic relationship.

Supta kurmasana was nice: usually once Volleyball Guy crosses my ankles, there is a lot of counterpressure in the upper body. Not this morning, though. I did all of primary, as per plan, and then decided to go ahead with the second series poses, through kapotasana. Sanskrit Scholar spotted me on supta vajrasana, and she pulled my arms tighter than I think they’ve ever been. Want to loosen your shoulders? Supta vajrasana’s the asana for the job.

My romance with ibuprofen continues, but not in any significantly disturbing manner. Need to taper off, now that I am back into practice. The only tweak, really, seems to be super sore tricep inserts. I think from trying to stretch my arms straight in urdhva dhanurasana — or anything, really. Basically, they’re like plastic figurine arms — how I wish I had the special Barbie elbow joints that realistically bend and straighten

My Gift presented me with a Mother’s Day gift. It was wrapped, with a little note that I should read it and then pass it on to her. What, I wondered, could she have picked out as something we would both enjoy? I unwrapped it to find “Between a Rock and a Hard Place.” Ah yes, fun for me because I love climbing stories and outdoor adventures, and perfect for My Gift, with her nerdish delight in medical anomalies. The Cop regaled us with tales of gang confrontations and funny taser bloopers (not in the same story). All in all, a lovely Mother’s Day.

After my last post, Tim left a comment that concluded with “oh, to be young again!” It’s funny, because I’d thought to use that as the last line of my post, but then I’d thought better of it. I think we’re all kind of trained to think “oh to be young again,” but when I really think about it, I know for sure that I would NOT want to go back in time. Sure, it was a blast to be young and reckless. Not a care in the world. At least seemingly. But I was always looking for something else, something to make myself happy, something to stabilize my idea of myself, something to entertain myself. In retrospect, it makes me kind of tired to think of it! So I think the natural order works out just fine. My Gift can have her youth, and I’ll be happy with my current situation.

Led and lunch today. Gosh, it was so nice to get back! I practiced between Crim Girl and Sanskrit Scholar. The room was hot enough to make Sanskrit Scholar speak up when we were finishing up urdhva dhanurasana: “Please, [pant] can we have [pant] some air?” As soon as Volleyball Guy cracked the door, folks close to it complained of being too cold. I think Crim Girl, Sanskrit Scholar and I were in the hottest spot in the room. I was actually enjoying it, after last week’s conference in Orlando, where the hotel kept all the rooms at 66 degrees. Seriously. I had two down blankets on my bed! Every evening I turned on the heat and got the room up to about 80. Every morning the maid came in and reset it to 66.

I totally lucked out in class and got an adjustment in marichyasana D. Lately, provided I’m in a warm room, I can get a wrist bind. So I’m loving the adjustment these days, because it twists me enough to let the non-wrapper hand grasp the lotus leg shin. Something really nice about closing that loop. A very soothing feeling. Similar in emotional tone to a good marichyasana B.

Afterwards, Crim Girl, Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director, Girl with a Red Mat (hereafter known as “The Sicilian”) and a woman I’ll call The Hearty Laugher went out for lunch. Great fun. And lots of news. Crim Girl got married three weeks ago, The British Director toured France, Sanskrit Scholar surfed in Costa Rica. The Sicilian is getting married in two weeks. So lots to talk about. I love hanging out with these women. I’ve always hung out with men, because my interests included martial arts, weightlifting, and climbing. I’m pretty sure I have trust issues with women. But these women (and, I guess, Ashtanginis in general) seem a pretty reliable lot. No weirdness about clothes and makeup and manicures. I guess because we don’t wear outfits that reveal too much about economic/social/political affiliations. Easier to take people at face value. Whatever reason, though, I am grateful for their friendship.

Okay, now it’s time to lie on the couch. Practice the past few days is kicking my ass. I’m taking ibuprofen pretty regularly — not because I feel injured, but because I know the intense practice is likely creating some inflammation. Trying not to start a little addiction, trying not to ascribe good practices to the pharmaceuticals.

Ah, pharmaceuticals. And with that, we’ve circled back to the beginning of this post… Who’da thought, back when I was in my 20s, that I’d one day consider ibuprofen a potentially dangerous pharmaceutical?

How good was it to be back at Mysore practice? On a scale of 1-10, it was off the charts. The room was nice and warm, and The British Director squealed, “It’s Karen!” from padangusthasana. “You’ll be needing lots of downward dog adjustments,” Volleyball Guy announced. Yup! Bring ‘em on!

What better way to feel like you are returning to your body and your practice than the persistent ministrations of one’s teacher? Volleyball Guy was on the job, doling out adjustments at a “welcome back” pace. I think there were at least 4, and possibly 5, in the suryas alone.

After that, adjustments for: trikonasana, paschimottanasana, purvattanasana, triang mukha eka pada paschimottanasana (just one side on that one — made me think of Tim’s post about single-sided adjustments… part of me wanted to feel ripped off, but then, basically, I just didn’t really care — I trust Volleyball Guy to figure out the priorities of the room and proceed accordingly). I was then on my own until urdhva muka paschimottanasana and setu bandhasana. Took a shot at pasasana, which is very unpredictable at this point, then wrapped it up.

Urdhva dhanurasana was pretty good this morning. It’s a nemesis pose for me, and I’m trying to figure out how to pay attention to it without getting psycho about the whole thing. Last night I did dropbacks at home using the rope wall, an idea I cooked up as I waited up for My Gift to return from college. She packed up her dorm room, moved her stuff to the house she and a couple of girls are renting, cleaned her dorm room, and turned in her keys. Rock on, little Boo. It pleases me no end that she took a matter-of-fact attitude about finishing finals, finding a place to live, and moving her stuff. I asked if she needed any help with anything, but she had it all squared away on her own. Love the independence!

From the sounds of it, the rental house should probably be condemned and demolished, but I clearly remember such funky housing when I was in undergrad. It was a sticking point with my folks, who for some reason expected me to be able to find reasonably-priced, upper-middle class suburban lodgings in the midst of a major city. My Gift is thrilled at the thought of her first official domicile, one without parents or RAs or any authority whatsoever. Such fun! I remember a huge blizzard in Boston when I was in undergrad. I had 4 roommates. My Mom called the day before the storm was due to hit and asked if we had gone shopping for supplies. “Yes!” I said, gazing fondly over the bottles of Jack Daniels, the packs of cigarettes, and the bags of Cheetos and pot.

Tomorrow is led class, followed by lunch with Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director and Girl with a Red Mat. I’ll finally feel like I am fully recovered, once I’m back to the led and lunch routine.

At conference in Orlando since Saturday, and here it is Tuesday and I’m just now finding a moment to blog.

Haven’t been out of the hotel the whole time, though not particularly sad about that. Sorry if that offends Orlando afficianados. I loved when we had conference in New Orleans — it was fun to get out each night and explore. Orlando, not so
much.

No worries, though. The indoor time has been well spent. Some time with advisory board members, with faculty, with potential customers. And best of all, some significant teambuilding with folks in the department who will be crucial if we really want to create an efficient and creative environment. Whoa, listen to me sound corporate!

I’ve also been communicating with My Gift as per usual, via text and email. I think she forgot I’m on the other side of the country. Not that it matters, really, but still I am always amused about how technology dissolves geography.

On the yoga front, I’ve been practicing in my room. Choice of the tile entryway or the carpeted floor. The carpet is really thin, so it’s actually a fine yoga surface. My work days have been starting at 7 AM, so that means getting up at 4:30 to practice. I’m actually cutting it close by getting up so late, but that’s my concession to the late nights (late for me — meaning 10:30, which is pathetic by conference attendee standards) and heavy drinking (2! — also pathetic). I’m trying not to think about the fact that I’m in a different time zone, so getting up at 4:30 here means I’m really waking up at 1:30 Arizona time. Anyhow. I’m struggling to balance the need to work/play with the need to stay on an even keel (i.e., practice).

It seems to be working out pretty well. Practices have been a little sleepy, a little sluggish from previous evening’s drinking, but still, I can’t complain. This morning I even threw in pasasana through bakasana. Was it pretty? Not. Decidedly not. But it was good enough. Which in this context is actually really saying something.

At conference in Orlando since Saturday, and here it is Tuesday and I’m just now finding a moment to blog.

Haven’t been out of the hotel the whole time, though not particularly sad about that. Sorry if that offends Orlando afficianados. I loved when we had conference in New Orleans — it was fun to get out each night and explore. Orlando, not so
much.

No worries, though. The indoor time has been well spent. Some time with advisory board members, with faculty, with potential customers. And best of all, some significant teambuilding with folks in the department who will be crucial if we really want to create an efficient and creative environment. Whoa, listen to me sound corporate!

I’ve also been communicating with My Gift as per usual, via text and email. I think she forgot I’m on the other side of the country. Not that it matters, really, but still I am always amused about how technology dissolves geography.

On the yoga front, I’ve been practicing in my room. Choice of the tile entryway or the carpeted floor. The carpet is really thin, so it’s actually a fine yoga surface. My work days have been starting at 7 AM, so that means getting up at 4:30 to practice. I’m actually cutting it close by getting up so late, but that’s my concession to the late nights (late for me — meaning 10:30, which is pathetic by conference attendee standards) and heavy drinking (2! — also pathetic). I’m trying not to think about the fact that I’m in a different time zone, so getting up at 4:30 here means I’m really waking up at 1:30 Arizona time. Anyhow. I’m struggling to balance the need to work/play with the need to stay on an even keel (i.e., practice).

It seems to be working out pretty well. Practices have been a little sleepy, a little sluggish from previous evening’s drinking, but still, I can’t complain. This morning I even threw in pasasana through bakasana. Was it pretty? Not. Decidedly not. But it was good enough. Which in this context is actually really saying something.

Yay! A whole primary practice this morning. Felt just fine, a little tired at the end — so stamina is not back, but the break didn’t affect general flexibility. Crim Girl told me a while back that after 1.5 – 2 years of every day practice, the body just stays open. Nice.

Supta kurmasana was actually better today than ever before. I managed to pick up the right leg and cross the ankles — in front of me, not over the head…yet. Up ’til now, the best I could do was wiggle my feet until the right foot kind of crossed over the left. And the tittibhasana out of supta k was, somehow, correct in a way that finally made me understand how to rotate forward to bakasana.

Baddha konasana rocked. I managed to get my head to the floor with no sandbag to help. It took 10 breaths, but I didn’t have to tip myself up onto my ankles, which up ’til now was the only way I could get forward enough to reach the ground.

Pranayama at the very end. I had a moment where I started to feel breathless and panicked, and then I realized I was slouching a bit. Pushed my chest forward a smidge and voila, I could breathe! This is an important discovery. I know I have days in the office where the rushed, frantic feeling is really coming from my breathing (bad) habits.

This morning was the first strong yoga high I’ve had in a few weeks. Woohoo! Driving to work, the colors of the trees seems so vibrant, the light was beautiful, and I felt like my vision was better and brighter than it’s been in ages. Like my whole body was awake.

Plus, I had an amusing note from my Mom. I visited them in their new home on Sunday and brought along two thistleseed socks. Finches love thistleseed, and these feeders are like long socks that you can hang from a tree or (as The Cop and I do) a porch. We’ve had one on the porch for a few weeks now. Takes the finches about 3 weeks to work their way through a sock full of seed. I love them — they are crazy energetic and they sing and flutter. Tiny, appealing vata creatures.

So my folks hung up one of the socks in a tree in their yard on Sunday night. Then we sat out for a couple of hours, having drinks and watching the wildlife. They are on the edge of the desert, so there were quail, rabbits, hummingbirds, finches, etc. They’ve had coyotes in the yard, but unfortunately none while I was visiting. The finch sock hung there, but none of the birds approached it. I assured my parents that they would eventually find and love it.

Yesterday my Mom’s note read: “They found it. I think they are all addicted to the sock. There has been violence. Doves, quail feed at the bottom. More aggression. Both socks are gone. Yesterday we opted for a feeder and bag of thistleseed. We’ll see how that goes. Are we upsetting the balance of Nature?”

I’m amused at the thought of the crazed thistleseed chaos and greed going on over in her yard. What is it that makes feeding animals so appealing?

Half primary this morning and all is well. Actually, I got to navasana and figured I ought to go ahead to kurmasana and supta kurmasana. Kurmasana and supta k still strike me as the most “dangerous” poses in the series, so there was a psychological desire to just go ahead and deal with them. I had a bit of apprehension at marichy D, because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it after three weeks off. Same deal with kurmasana/supta k. They were the hardest poses for me to learn and I guess a part of me still feels they might escape my grasp.

Both were just fine. In fact, supta kurmasana was better than usual. Perhaps because my shoulders are relaxed from all the lying around and recovering, and the lack of a bazillion daily chaturangas.

Tomorrow I will see about just going ahead and rolling through all of primary.

To help keep things in perspective, I will note that urdhva dhanurasana sucked majorly. Not in my back, but in my shoulders. Haha! There is consistency in my practice.

It had kind of occurred to me, but The Cop reinforced it last night. He said: “All things being equal, I like to try to stick to the rules.”

Yup. The whole business of trying to figure out if I’m going to observe Moon Days takes up more energy than it’s worth. I try to adhere to the other rules of Ashtanga, so I might as well just chill on the Moon Days, right? Otherwise, it’s an unending (and unnecessary) decision-loop. Why spend energy there?

Then I woke up early. Sigh. Every so often something happens at work that sticks in my head and won’t be easily dismissed. So there I was, at 5 AM, all awake and no place to go. No, I’d already decided not to practice, so I didn’t even entertain the notion. And then I remembered: Hey, I can still do pranayama! Problem solved.

I love doing new things, because I am totally clueless, and the whole experience just is what it is. There’s no room for my ideas about how it should be or how good or bad I am at it, etc. Blech to all that “expert” stuff anyhow. New stuff reminds me of my favorite zen saying, “Not knowing is most intimate.”

Of course, in the end, the project is to bring “blech-to-expertise mind” to things I start to really care about, to things that I want to do well, etc. Somehow this concept is at play in my struggle with/crankiness about a particular situation at work.

I try to bring “don’t know mind” to all the design projects. We had a call with a potential client yesterday, and since it was such an important firm, some of the executive team attended as well as myself. The things these folks were asking us to do for them sent up a bunch of red flags for me as a designer. After the conference call, I mentioned my concerns. One of the execs said I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Yes! Good advice. Unfortunately, she then proceeded to say that given her past experience, here’s how she would solve the problem. Okay, so we’re not going to jump to conclusions, but here’s the conclusion.

Sigh.

Now I have to try to return to “don’t know mind” with the project AND establish “don’t know mind” with the internal team situation. LOL! These are the moments when I ask myself if it wouldn’t be easier just to flip out.

But no. Re-think. Here’s an opportunity — to practice, practice, practice.