donutszenmom.com

Busy morning, this morning. Lots of guys. Usually there are more women than men at Volleyball Guy’s, but when I arrived this morning, I was greeted by Returning Guy, Chanting Man, Bikram Guy and the new guy–who, obviously, I cannot name “New Guy,” unless I decide to have a promotion system, where folks only get blog names after appearing for a while as New Guy or New Gal. You know what? I like that idea. Okay, so New Guy was also there today.

Before I was done with my suryas, Sanskrit Scholar and The British Director showed up. So then there was some grrl power.

I practiced next to Chanting Man for the first time today. Returning Guy was on my other side. I already know that Returning Guy respects my space and knows that I respect his, and that it’s pleasant to practice near him, but I wasn’t sure about Chanting Man. Of course, as it turns out, he is a lovely person to practice near. I was turning to my second side for hanumanasana, and there was his foot in the floaty part of utthita hasta padangusthasana. He’d done UHP sideways on his mat, since we were so crowded. “Sorry, Karen,” he whispered. “No worries,” I whispered back.

I’m not sure what it is, but I love those little interactions in the midst of Mysore practice. It makes us co-conspirators. Of what, exactly, I’m not sure. But now we’re friends. Because he stuck his foot in my face. Or, more likely, because we are both trying to do the same thing, in a very small space. The concessions we make to each other at Volleyball Guy’s are representative of how people should behave but so often don’t. There’s something about that, simple as it is, that I just really love. It is a good way to start the day.

People have asked me, what’s with the name?

1. I practice zen.
2. Donut (see below).

Hence, Donut’s Zen Mom.

I always practice at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and will, until I can talk Volleyball Guy into offering Mysore on those days Usually I get up and surf the web a bit while I have a cup of coffee. It’s nice to read fellow Ashtangis’ blogs before I start in on my own practice. Usually I feel kind of envious of their Tuesday and Thursday shala practice as I try to get inspired for my home practice. Today, though, I had the company of the NYC folks who are practicing at home because of the transit strike. I hope that is resolved quickly, so you all can get back to your morning Mysore.

I had a bad dream just before the alarm went off. The Cop was off pursuing bad guys and I was trying to get some back-up help from the Police Department, but they just didn’t show up. It was scary and gut-wrenching, and I didn’t feel very good when I woke up. My mind and my emotions were all stirred up.

So after some coffee, I decided I’d practice with David Swenson’s DVD. If my mind is all busy, it’s helpful for me to do “led” practice at home. I haven’t used Swenson’s DVD for a long while, so it was nice to hear his voice again. I like to listen to the details he points out about the poses, much like I occasionally listen to Richard Freeman’s DVD, to hear the details RF chooses to emphasize. I can’t imagine narrating an Ashtanga sequence–there’s just so much going on! But I do like words, so I enjoy hearing how teachers talk as they teach.

Instead of urdhva dhanurasanas, I went with my current program of ustrasana and dhanurasana. And I spent a bit of time trying to stretch out my shoulders and chest. I think I will stick with this program throughout January, and see how my urdhva dhanurasana looks as a result, when I get back to it in February. I love having a little project…

Off to work, now, for an early meeting with my boss. Planning strategy for 2006. This time of year is rather stressful–with everyone wrapping up a year’s worth of work and looking toward next year’s goals. I’m psyched for the four day Christmas weekend! Volleyball Guy is putting together a Christmas Eve Bikram field trip. Again I am confronted with my Bikram resistance. And still not sure why I feel it.

Yeah, I made up the title. It’s not real. Well, except it’s how I explain the weird thing that happens to me in the prasaritas and ardha baddha padmottansana. It is climbing-related.

When I was climbing alot, I finally got to the point where I did not orient myself to the ground. When I first started, I was always very aware of where the ground was below me, and I climbed straight up, pretty much, and always kept my feet closest to the ground–even if they were 700 feet off the ground But as I got better at climbing, I started climbing more complicated rock faces–things that undulated and had outcroppings and ledges and all sorts of features. And the coolest thing started to happen: I would totally lose my sense of where the ground was in relation to my body. In order to reach the next hold, it might not be correct to keep my feet pointing toward the ground. I might need to be sideways, or upside down, or whatever. It was the coolest feeling, to lose my sense of relationship to the ground.

And now that is sometimes happening in the prasaritas and in AB padmottanasana. If I am relaxed and in my breath, all of a sudden I won’t understand where “up” and “down” is. At first it happened when Volleyball Guy was adjusting me. Usually in Prasarita C. He’d have me so well-anchored as he adjusted my arms, that I could fully relax upside down, and forget about how gravity was working. Of course, he also makes a point of guiding you back up after a particularly long, deep adjustment. Same deal with AB padmottanasana. The catch now, though, is that when I am in those poses, it is early morning, I am warm, the other folks around me are breathing and practicing, the light is low, my mind is relaxed, everything is soft and fuzzy, until…whoa! suddenly I realize I am upside down all by myself and not paying attention to the physical laws. No, I haven’t fallen yet. But the feeling is like falling asleep in the bathtub. It seems like a good idea until you breathe in some water and wake with a start. So we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully no flying prasaritas. And yes, I’ve envisioned the domino effect that would ensue if I flop over. Kinda makes me laugh. Everyone else might be less amused.

Only other thing today was kurmasana. For the past couple of practices, Volleyball Guy has mentioned that my kurmasana is looking good. You have to realize, Volleyball Guy hardly ever says a word about poses or progress, so of course I had the paranoid thought, “Gosh, I wonder if it’s so hideous that he feels he has to be encouraging.” The Cop set me straight when I shared that thought. He said I was probably just getting better from practicing so much. Okay, fair enough. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised

Saturday led was packed today. All the usual suspects, plus all the Bikramites, plus a few new people. Returning Guy, who usually only does Mysore, came for the first time. He was amazed at how crowded the room was, and everyone was talking before Volleyball Guy got there, so it sounded like a cocktail party.

Practice was good. How could it not be, in a room with that many people, in a room so warm and energetic?

One thing I’ve been noticing is that I do not think ahead in the sequence any more. When I first started, I always thought ahead. The most difficult version of that was the thinking how long the whole practice was going to be. I used to step onto my mat and be kind of overwhelmed at the scope of the project. Now, though, I never think about how long practice takes. Then for a while, I thought about what poses were coming up next. No way to avoid that, when you’re learning the sequence and have to try to remember what’s next. But I wondered if I would ever get past that. Apparently I have. It’s nice. The practice has a much more organic flow.

I have a new book, which I’ve just begun, but which looks very interesting: Swara Yoga: The Tantric Science of Brain Breathing by Swami Muktibodhananda. Link on the right side of this page. Interesting stuff about nadis, pranayama and swara. Swara seems to be the yoga of breath–and more subtle than pranayama. Please don’t quote me on that. I’ve only read the first couple of chapters. Yoga makes one so much more sensitive, physically, but I am finding it very hard to articulate the things I am learning.

And this afternoon, I’ll be on the hunt for a new book. I have a new person transferring onto my team from another department at work. I suspect I may have my hands full with her. I am going to get a book on passive-aggressive behavior, because I think that’s what is going on. I’d like to be able to recognize it and respond with compassion and a clear mind. These…uh, “opportunities” are always interesting challenges for me: how can I bring my yoga into the “real world”? How can I help someone who is suffering get a taste of freedom and bliss? And is that even possible? I don’t know, but it’s a very tempting thing to try.

Today’s practice was good, as usual. Chanting Man brought his daughter again. I think I will call her The Cat, because she has a lovely little cat-like quality. I envy her yoga karma–imagine having an Ashtanga practice at 9 years old. I thoroughly enjoyed practicing next to her today. She is a gracious next door neighbor. Aware of what’s going on around her, but not affected by it. Nice.

For the past couple of nights, I’ve stretched my shoulders out by backbending over the Swiss ball and grabbing sandbags in my hands, then rolling forward on the ball so the weight pulls on my shoulders. It is passive stretching, and it seems to be teaching me some things about my shoulders and upper back.

So today in practice, I get to urdhva dhanurasana and I have a question. A totally unplanned, and therefore totally inarticulate, question. I was also a bit slow to speak because I don’t like to disturb the quiet. Volleyball Guy saw the question in my eyes and came over and put his arm around me and leaned forward to hear what I was thinking. I told him about the stretching I’d been doing and said I felt like pushing up into urdhva dhanurasana kind of “locks” my shoulders–that it might be counterproductive to what I’m trying to figure out right now. He didn’t miss a beat, and had me do a couple of ushtrasanas and three dhanurasanas. Then he had me do a handstand. He turned his back to me, grabbed my ankles, and picked me up off the floor, then he bent forward at the waist until I was backbending upside down. Kinda cool. And it felt really good! I am impressed with his solution–backbends that don’t involve my shoulders in the way that urdhva dhanurasana does.

In savasana I suddenly flashed on climbing. I’ve always attributed my tight shoulders and upper back to 15 years of weightlifting, but I imagine climbing played a role, too. In climbing, I was always pulling down with my shoulders/arms. And when climbing overhangs, your upper back really gets a workout. And factor in the fear component. I am afraid of heights (or I was) and I was in these situations where I was continually being challenged, where alot of the discipline was simply about not freaking out. I guess your muscles get pretty tense when you are hanging off a cliff, huh? In savasana, I realized some of that feeling is still in me. So I need some time to work around in my shoulders and kind of figure out how to let go of that fear.

I’m including my favorite picture of me climbing, just for fun. I miss it. I miss overcoming my fear, and I miss the sweet feeling of touching the ground after being off it all day. I miss being so conscious of my own mortality, and in a situation where I couldn’t think about anything except what was right in front of me. Kind of zen. Forced zen, really. You have to be in the moment, or you’re screwed. Extreme zen. LOL!

Is there anything cooler than a Moon Day? I think not. That two extra hours of sleep really makes me happy. I actually feel awake this morning. I wonder if Guruji has anything to say about sleep–whether 8 hours is optimal, whether an attachment to sleep might be a problem, etc. I know I’ve read that the Dalai Lama sleeps very little. How does someone get into the swing of that, I wonder? I had a professor in grad school who could never sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night. He thought it was something of a curse, to so often be awake when everyone around him was asleep. I thought it was pretty cool, though. Think of all the extra things you could get done. And I remember his home, which was always incredibly clean. I guess at a certain point, all that’s left to do in the middle of the night is dust every surface in your house.

Today is the day of the happy knee. Hopefully that sentence won’t jinx me. It started off not so good–just didn’t feel motivated this morning, but got out of bed anyhow. Coffee and a drive to Volleyball Guy’s. I wondered if my malaise was moon-related. Tomorrow is a moon day–so maybe I am feeling the effects of it? I think I am still too cynical to really believe that. I figured it was more about being tired from work and the general stress of the holiday season.

So I had few expectations for practice. Another quiet morning–Volleyball Guy, me, Sanskrit Scholar, Returning Guy and The Other Dave. Immediately I was intensely absorbed by the practice. My mind just shut right off. I love when that happens! And my knee felt really good (I still feel nervous saying that). The first, and perhaps greatest, test is always ardha baddha padmottanasana. This morning, it went off without a hitch. Even when I really sank into the forward bend. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt my foot really press into my tummy on that pose. Lately it’s just been about wondering if I should even try to bend forward.

And everything else was a-okay: Janu A, B and C felt fine, as did Marichy B and D. I even folded the leg into lotus. Hooray! I was ready to declare my knee healed when I was in baddha padmasana, which I have to say is my favorite pose. I wouldn’t have really known that, except I missed it so much when I couldn’t do it.

Backbends, as always, sucked. All I can hope for at this point is to keep my breathing even so that part of the sequence doesn’t devolve into an I-hate-backbends festival in my mind. I have to find something to enjoy in backbends and dropbacks–something to latch onto that will pull me out of the dark downward spiral that is my backbend practice. LOL! How dramatic. But I really do have to adjust my attitude.

Practice this morning at home. It would be much easier if Volleyball Guy would just have Mysore on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On the other hand, maybe the lack of a Mysore option is good, to force my hand and make me practice at home.

I felt rather unmotivated, so spent a little time drinking tea and surfing the web. Still felt unmotivated. A little more tea. Still, nothing, in terms of inspiration. Then suddenly, I was ready to go. No idea what kicked off that transition. The tea, maybe?

Usually I have coffee before practice. I have to get up quite early in order to have coffee and then let it settle in my stomach. And the last few practices, it hasn’t settled very well. So perhaps tea is the answer? Or not having anything to drink before practice at all? How would I drive to Volleyball Guy’s without caffeine, though?

Okay, so tea today. As an experiment. And practice was quite nice. I always despair at the start of home practice–obviously I can never get as warm as at Volleyball Guy’s, where there’s a heater going full blast and a bunch of other people. So the beginning was about me feeling outside of my practice–not warm, distracted by work thoughts (today is our quarterly planning session–a meeting that runs all day and tends to be rather stressful). I really stuck to my breath, though, and suddenly I felt warm and connected.

The interesting thing about the slightly cooler practice is that my muscles feel alot springier. Which is a nice change. Though it’s funny how my mind wants to reject any sensation that isn’t “usual.” Usually my muscles feel very warm and languid. So when they feel springy, my mind tries to tell me something is wrong. But of course it’s not wrong–it’s just different. Thank goodness for zen–at least I’ve learned that it’s often best if I set my mind aside. (Something to remember in today’s meeting.)

When I got to backbends, I tried to reproduce something Volleyball Guy did yesterday. He mentioned that my lower back is very good in backbends, and that my shoulders are the sticking point. Apparently all those years spend lifting weights and climbing really made my shoulders tight. When I did my assisted dropbacks, he held me at halfway and had me grab two sandbags from the ground, then he pulled back so there’d be tension through my arms and shoulders. It felt pretty helpful.

This morning I did a backbend over the Swiss ball, grabbed two sandbags and rolled forward on the ball so the weight fell through my arms and shoulders. Nice. Maybe something I should do in the evenings as a little experiment. It’ll have to be once the dog goes to sleep for the evening–she feels it is her duty to attack the Swiss ball when it is out in the livingroom. It is hysterically funny, but also a battle she is likely to win, leaving me without a ball…

Sammy had a question about the four-wheeling picture I posted. Here are a couple more that show the Jeep off to good effect…

The Cop is going to be so pleased that his four-wheeling rig is being admired by the Ashtangi community

And for good measure, here’s a photo of the witnesses to our Sunday drive…