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Led primary this morning. Very crowded, and even more Bikram folks. Bikram Teacher and the Contestant were there, but that’s not so surprising, seeing as they’re coming to Mysore at Volleyball Guy’s. Two additional Bikramites, though: the Head Teacher and the Male Contestant. Head Teacher is the top teacher at the local Bikram studio, and the Male Contestant was in the same contest that the Contestant prepared for a few months ago. Anyhow, new folks in class, which is always fun. I practiced between Head Teacher and the Male Contestant. They said they enjoyed class, and that many of the poses were familiar.

The Cop brought home a knee wrap for me yesterday. It was quite nice–just enough springy support to prevent me from unconsciously torquing my knee, and it kept in a good bit of heat. So my knee felt good. I actually did all the poses per usual (in lotus), and we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. The knee pop is perhaps a wake-up call for me, in terms of form. It wasn’t bad form that made it pop in Marichy D, but still, it is a reminder that I fold my legs into lotus without thinking about it, and the fact is, my hips aren’t super open. Which means my knees bear the brunt. So I’ve done some reading (Coulter’s Anatomy of Hatha Yoga was helpful) and am realizing that I have to be more conscious as I do lotus–flexing my feet to keep the knee stable, stuff like that. Essentially, I just have to be more mindful.

Practice was great fun, though, today–despite the injury. I have had boundless amounts of happy energy the past few days. I’ve been amusing myself by tormenting The Cop, My Gift from the Universe, even the dog and the cat, with all sorts of silly antics. And I felt it in class, too–movement felt so good, all I wanted to do was move and breathe and once dropbacks were done, I wanted to play around with inversions–just anything that is physical and playful.

Now we’re off to show The Cop’s cousin around. He is visiting the desert for the first time. It’s always fun to bring folks from the east coast out to look at saguaros and desert mountain vistas.

Shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance. The seven stages of grief. Yes, I have grief about my knee.

Today I had denial (“Maybe it would actually be helpful to the healing process if I do a little ardha baddha padmottanasana…”), and bargaining (“Since I skipped the forward bend in ardha baddha padmottanasana, maybe I can go ahead and do ardha baddha padma paschimottanasana…”), and a little depression (“Why did this happen? My practice is ruined…”), and then some acceptance.

Mostly, though, I just was aware of how much I take my knees (and, by extension, the rest of my body) for granted. It is incredible to see how many poses are affected in one way or another by the injury. A real eye-opener, in terms of how integrated the movements of the practice are, and also on how much stress the practice puts on the physical system (and I don’t mean to suggest that the stress is bad–rather, that it is a challenge to the physical system).

Lots of folks at practice this morning–me quietly assessing my knee, Chanting Man with some kind of back injury that is really challenging him, Bikram Teacher struggling with impatience as she learns Ashtanga and wonders why she hasn’t mastered it yet Sanskrit Scholar, Returning Guy, the British Director, the Contestant and the Beautiful One were there, working their own issues. Every morning, we all practice together, each of us with our individual lives inside us. It’s very cool to think about our human lives, each contained within the confines of the bodies of the people practicing on little rectangular mats. I just love it.

…then why am I referring to my sports injury book? A great book, by the way: Listen to Your Pain: The Active Person’s Guide to Understanding, Identifying, and Treating Pain and Injury.

So the **doink** in my knee yesterday was not as insignificant as I wished. According to the book, I might have a lateral collateral ligament tear. The good news is that it heals pretty easily. Amusingly, the book points out: “You can become prone to this injury by having overstretched ligaments on the outside of your knee. This frequently happens to people who practice yoga and spend a lot of time in the lotus position.”

Home practice this morning revolved around testing out the knee pain (physical practice) and putting it in perspective (psychological practice). When I got up this morning, I expected to have some problems with ardha baddha padmottanasana and ardha baddha padma paschimottanasana, but I was naive in thinking those would be the only poses affected. Janu A and C (especially C!) were sketchy, as were Marichy A, B, and of course, D. I practiced D with my feet folded under, and there may be a bit of a silver lining, as it felt helpful to really practice the twist of the pose a bit. Usually the pressure of the lotus legs inhibits really deep twisting.

Bhujapidasana was fun. I didn’t forget how to pull my feet through without touching the floor. Nor did I forget crashing down on my head yesterday. I grabbed one of My Gift from the Universe’s sweatshirts (maybe it is actually helpful that she leaves her clothes around the house for use by other family members…not) and formed it into a little crash pad for my head. Worked like a charm.

And in the realm of giveth and taketh away, I found that though I was hobbled with a new injury, I was gifted with a breakthrough in jump throughs. No idea what happened, but my rather craftsmanlike jump throughs were suddenly particularly airy and effortless.

And to finish up: Last night was my second Rolfing session. Apparently Rolfing cannot instantaneously cure lateral collateral ligament tears. But here’s the cool part: I get to Philosophy Monk’s office. There is no exchange of information regarding physical status, any ailments, etc. He sits at his desk and has me walk away from him, turn, and walk back toward him. I get on the table and he makes a beeline for the right knee. Dude! How’d he do that? Last night was a lot of work on my shins, knees, ankles, and feet. I have no idea if my structure has been realigned, but I do know it felt unbelievably good. Now I just need to skip high heels for a few days.

Right when I was hitting the Janus, Volleyball Guy said, “Okay, everyone keep doing what you’re doing. For the next four minutes, we are having the mula bandha blueplate special. You can forget uddiyana bandha, you can forget jalandhara bandha, you can forget to breathe. Just don’t forget mula bandha.” Then he proceeded to keep reminding us of mula bandha for the next four minutes running. Everything was fine, until he said, “Forget about what you’re going to have for lunch, forget about conference calls…” Oh yeah, that’s where my heart and my breathing and my bandhas came to a screeching halt. Con calls! Really, they are my nemesis. The one anxiety I can’t seem to smooth out. I had to laugh. He had me at con call.

Sanskrit Scholar gave me adjustments in Marichy D. Powerful twisting adjustments. Perhaps a bit too powerful, as I had a little…hmmm, how shall I spell it?…a little **doink** in my right knee. Like a teeny shift of something in there. Hopefully a little insignificant shift that I can now forget about. And a little crink in my left ankle. I am accustomed to those, and they disappear quickly, so no concerns about the ankle.

Oh, and in Bhujapidasana, I got my feet through without scraping the floor! Of course, I also fell smack onto the top of my head, but it felt like a triumph, nevertheless. I can figure out the smoother landing later. And tonight’s Rolfing, so Philosopy Monk can maybe help me out with whatever smooshing I did to my neck.

Lovely to be back after a moon day. I felt so light. Yet mildly headachey. But did I mention very, very light? Yeah, well, then I remembered that I picked at a salad for dinner, and had two strong drinks. And therein lies the headachey lightness, I guess.

Thank goodness for the moon day. I need some rest. Yesterday, the university close to our home (about 25 miles south) had an open house. I attended with My Gift from the Universe. She’s already been accepted at the college we visited back in October, and to this one, as well–so now she’s making a decision about where she wants to go. It is good to watch this process. I am stepping back and just helping her weigh the options (versus pushing for one or the other). She has a boyfriend she loves, and if she goes to the school that is further away, she will be giving up seeing him–except for occasional weekends. Plus, all of her friends live in this area. So will she decide to step out into the unknown and go to the school that is far away? It’s starting to look like she will. I’m very proud of her.

With the visit to the college yesterday, practice was a bit less mindful than usual. I got over to Volleyball Guy’s on the stroke of 5:30 AM, and was out of there by 6:40. I must say, the swift practices have a charm of their own. No belaboring individual poses. No extra breaths. I tend to move along pretty rapidly, as a matter of course. Sanskrit Scholar has encouraged me to take extra breaths, but Volleyball Guy overheard and was quite adamant that everyone’s practice is their own, and that when one is thinking am I going too fast?, or am I going too slow?, one has lost a connection to the practice, to mindfulness.

I practiced next to Returning Guy again, and we have very similar paces. He was probably two Surya As “in front” of me as I started, and he started his backbends just before I did. So we finished up at the same time. No fuss, no muss. I just pop into poses, breathe and experience, then move on. Once in a while I’ll take an extra breath or two to set up for a tougher pose, but usually I limit that to a couple of poses per practice. Not sure why I have that little internal rule, but there it is. For example, at this point, I usually hold for extra breaths on Marichy D–so I can practice the balance of the pose, and so I can practice calm breathing. That’s it, though, in terms of extra time in poses during practice. I felt kind of self-conscious about it, at first. Sanskrit Scholar really spends lots of time on each pose, so if it’s just us in the shala, the time discrepancy between our practices is dramatic. When there are alot of folks, though, it’s less apparent. And, as I mentioned, Returning Guy is also a zippy practitioner–so now he’s my cover

Everyone, cross your fingers. Or put your feet behind your heads, if you’d prefer This morning, The Cop and I are making an offer on a house we’d love to buy. I signed all the offer papers yesterday, during a whirlwind meeting with our realtor following open house at the university. Whew! Busy day. Luckily, I started off with some zazen before going to Volleyball Guy’s. Yup, sitting meditation–at the behest of Philosophy Monk, who suggested I resume sitting meditation as well as practice Ashtanga. Okay, fair enough. I can give that a whirl.

It occurred to me as I drove to led primary this morning, that I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I was going. I just went. As I drove along, I thought, “You could think about whether you want to go…” and then I figured, “Nah, why bother?” and dismissed the thought.

Saturday is the only day I really have much option to think about whether I want to go to class or not. Both Mysore at Volleyball Guy’s and home practice are my “own” practice, somehow, so it is easy to just do it. Plus, when I get up at 4:30 AM, I don’t have the wherewithal to debate what I want to do over the next few hours. So I just proceed.

The key to Saturday led is to be very focused on not thinking. In the morning, no thinking about not going. Once I’m there, no thinking about who is there or how long the breath counts take–nothing. Bandhas, breath or driste are all I allow myself to focus on.

Today, I noticed the fruits of the Rolfing session most vividly when we were in the dropback portion of class. Once I had my turn and Volleyball Guy was going around doing dropbacks with everyone else, I did pincha mayurasana. I love all inversions, but this pincha was particularly delightful, as there was no tension in my upper back. None at all. Amazing. The pose felt easy, balanced, and very, very light. Nice.

The verdict is in, after this morning’s practice: Rolfing works. I first noticed something when I got to Prasarita Padottanasana B. I usually sail through A, because I can pull with my hands to get my head on the floor. But B and C pose more of a challenge. What I noticed today was 1) my head was on the floor, no problem, in all Prasaritas, and 2) I was strangely, and just slightly, off-balance. As if my shoulder/neck area was “too light.” It took me a few moments to figure it out, but I realized that usually there is a ball of tension in my upper back, between my shoulders, and it kind of makes this tangled ball of tension that “sticks” my shoulders, upper back, and neck all together. And all of that was missing. It was like I was empty inside, and lighter. And it affected my balance ever so slightly.

I also realized that I kind of think of that area as my “core,” as the most dense part of myself. Where I keep my willfulness and determination and ambition. All the “strong” stuff. The missing heaviness/tension in that area meant my whole center of gravity shifted. It was particularly noticeable in anything upside down: the prasaritas, handstands, sirsasana. I didn’t feel less strong, but I could feel the tension missing. Interesting, eh? That I associated tension with my strength and balance?

All I could think was, “I’ve got to get this done to my hips, too!” It is much as I suspected: the Rolfing adjusted the structure I’ve learned to identify as “me”– in this case, the upper back tension that I thought was simply a part of me, that I created and clung to as part of my physical identity. I knew it was there, but I didn’t know how MUCH there it was, or that it wasn’t really necessary to my physical structure, until it was relieved.

Not sure how the Rolfing fits in with what else was going on in practice today. Marichyasana A was a breeze–easy to bind, and then I just leaned right down until my chin was on my shin. I love when that happens–a pose just reveals itself so easily and gracefully. And Bhujapidasana felt pretty good. I got my feet underneath me with relative ease (though still sliding along the mat), and I even managed to get out of the pose, despite putting weight on my head. It wasn’t pretty, but it was a step in the right direction.

There is this scary feeling when you first practice zen: If I dissolve my ego, what will be left? and now I am confronting a bit of that with Rolfing: If I dissolve my tension, what will be left? Will I still be me? Those questions seem so compelling at first, but after a while, you just sort of let it go–the whole drive to preserve the pre-conceived “self” relaxes. It’s sort of like moving deeper into a pose. All the questions you have at the beginning dissolve, too, and you wonder why you were so attached to them to start with.

Or, more accurately, having a Rolfing session. I got to Philosophy Monk’s after a grueling day at the office. Usually I am quite happy-go-lucky about work, and quite purposeful about maintaining that perspective despite my corporate environment. But this week has kicked my butt for some reason. Maybe because I am sick, or maybe because the organization is going through some soul-searching (Ha! What corporation has a soul, you ask–but that’s a question for another day…), and strategy meetings, both scheduled and impromptu, are taking up my days. There is lots of emotion attached to all of these growing pains.

So anyhow, I drove through rush hour traffic with that splitting-headache/work-sucked-the-protective-coating-off-my-nerves feeling and got to Philosophy Monk’s office just in time for my appointment.

I’ve rarely seen Philosophy Monk out of zen robes, so it was a surprise to see him in the office in a Hawaiian shirt and flip flops. It struck me that he has a shaved head. Duh! Of course he does–he is a zen monk. But somehow it seemed really surprising in the “real” world, versus when I see him at the zendo. I guess it “means” something different at the zendo, since it’s a more usual practice there.

Okay, so just to get this out of the way: it is rather strange to be in your underwear when in the company of a monk from your zendo. In fact, it has the quality of one of those dreams you wake from and think, “What in the world did that mean?”

Philosophy Monk does “gentle” rolfing. None of that searing pain I’ve heard about. It was more like a cross between chiropractic and massage–no bone adjustments like in chiro, but more intense tissue manipulation than in massage. We talked about yoga a bit (he is literate in yoga schools and philosophies), and about zen. He asked about any physical problems I might have, and I said tight shoulders and neck, tight hamstrings, and then I laughed and said, “Mostly it’s all here,” and pointed to my head. He asked, “So you want me to Rolf your mind?” I had to laugh. It’s a pretty funny joke, from a zen perspective. There was a good bit of that kind of discussion as he worked–funny, insightful comments Roshi has made, etc.–so I guess we kinda behaved like zen geeks.

He worked alot on my head, neck, and hips, but concentrated most intensely on my shoulders. I can say quite honestly that I have little understanding of how this whole Rolfing thing might work. I asked if there was anything I needed to know, in order to understand (“to make it work,” I think I said), and he said no, that he’d prefer I wait and see if I feel anything different, rather than tell me what I might expect. Fair enough.

At the end, he did some energy stuff. Most interesting was when he had his hands around my head and we were just quiet. It was a rather strange feeling, like there was all this slowly turning fluid inside my head–I can only rather inadequately describe it as feeling as if my head and neck were a lava lamp, with that kind of slow, syrupy twisting/turning energy. Maybe Gregg knows more about this sort of thing, since it seemed a bit Reiki-like. But no matter what was happening there, I felt really calm and readjusted when I got up from the table–like my head had been cleaned on the inside.

It was fascinating–once I got past my own insatiable desire to know what’s going on and understand everything all the time. Sure, I felt clumsy and clueless in relation to subtle energy. But I’m figuring I might catch on a bit as we go. I have another two sessions booked over the next couple of weeks.

On the practice front, I am happy I made my sick and shaky way through practice yesterday, because I’ve made a promise to myself to at least take one day for ladies holiday. So today is a rest day. Which is handy, because I feel like crap. Already looking forward to tomorrow’s practice, though. So I have a day to get over this cold. Or rather, slightly less than a day.

What’s that? Impatient? Greedy? Surely you can’t mean me

You may ask why it is better to liberate emotion rather than to generate positive karma. The answer is that all karmic traces act to constrain us, to restrict us to particular identities. The goal of the path is complete liberation from all conditioning. This does not mean that, once one is liberated, positive traits such as compassion are not present. They are. But when we are no longer driven by karmic tendencies we can see our situation clearly and respond spontaneously and appropriately, rather than being pushed in one direction or pulled in another. The relative compassion that arises from positive karmic tendencies is very good, but better is the absolute compassion that arises effortlessly and perfectly in the individual liberated from karmic conditioning. It is more spacious and inclusive, more effective and free of the delusions of dualism.
–The Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep

Practice was crowded today. I got to Volleyball Guy’s at 5:40 and the place was already packed. Volleyball Guy asked Bikram Teacher and Chanting Man to make a space for me. Bikram Teacher seemed irritated, but Chanting Man was okay with it. Speaking of Chanting Man, I enjoy practicing near him, too. He is relatively new, and he is similar in body type to Returning Guy, but even more muscular. Now that I think of it, The Beautiful One may be the only person there who has the long, lanky body one generally associates with Ashtangis. Oh, and Volleyball Guy. I am pretty small, and still a little muscular from sports–so not particularly Ashtangi-like.

Anyhow, it was nice to practice near Chanting Man for the first time. In really close quarters, you can feel people’s reactions to having another practitioner wedged in. He was fine with it–and I love when you can feel someone practicing but also peripherally aware of you next to them–as you are of them. It is an interesting kind of psychic and physical give-and-take, that making room to accomodate someone by being considerate of what poses they have coming up in their practice, and of wishing them well. I guess I really am a Socialist at heart

And I have a project: getting past the delusion of dualism with Bikram Teacher.

So practice was good. I felt awful when I woke, figured I wouldn’t practice, then got up and had coffee and the tide of habit kept me moving along until I found myself driving to Volleyball Guy’s. I skipped dropbacks, just because I felt like I should cut myself a little slack. Volleyball Guy always comes over to spot me on my handstand after Utkatasana and the ones between each Navasana–and he noticed how shaky I was. I could get up there no problem, and I never felt like I would lose control of the handstand, but my arms kept shaking slightly. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him I wasn’t sure, just a bit under the weather.

Tonight is Rolfing. I’m scared and excited, both.

Home practice this morning. So why am I blogging at 5:52 AM, instead of practicing? ‘Cause after 5 Surya As and 5 Surya Bs, I had to accept that I have a good cold going on, and not enough energy to warm myself up properly for practice.

On the other hand, this is kind of a good thing. My Gift from the Universe has been feeling under the weather the past couple of days and came home from school early yesterday with swollen lymph nodes and dizziness. I was afraid she might be setting up for a lupus flare. But now I wonder if we don’t just have viral infections. Which would definitely be preferable.

So here I am at 5:52, with laundry running and coffee brewing. Guess I’ll get to work really early…

Tomorrow is Rolfing with the Philosophy Monk. I am loading up on Emergen-C, in hopes that I can head this illness off. Otherwise I’ll have to call his office tomorrow and find out if he prefers me to postpone.

I used to be so compulsive about working out, back when I was a gym rat (and The Cop would laugh to hear me suggest I am less compulsive now). It is still quite hard for me to give up a day of practice, but at least it isn’t so crushingly guilt-inducing. It’s sweeter now, and more gracious, I guess–I don’t feel compelled to practice so much as I simply miss it when I don’t.